The Unbreakable Vow
by VCR
Summary: An exploration of the romantic relationship that Lily Evans and Severus Snape might have shared while they were students at Hogwarts before Snape's plunge into the Dark Arts. It begins as an expansion of one of Snape's memories in The Deathly Hallows.
1. The Last Kiss

The Last Kiss

He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.

"I can't pretend any more. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No– listen, I didn't mean—"

"—to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole...

* * *

And to her surprise, she turned around to see Severus stumbling into the Gryffindor common room behind her, fumbling in his robes and trying feebly to regain his composure. His deep black eyes searched her own, pleading with their emerald gaze.

"Get out," she said coldly, only vaguely aware that several other students were also in the room, lounged about in oversized arm chairs and reading in front of the fire. Lily didn't even know how late it was, but it had to be past midnight. The intensity of his gaze did not wane as she spoke, although she thought she saw a subtle blush awaken his otherwise pale cheeks.

"I won't leave until you explain to me what you mean by 'pretend'," Severus replied, hovering close to her. His eyes surveyed the room and he leaned in so that their lips almost touched, and Lily felt his warm breath caress her cheek. He then whispered, "perhaps this would be best discussed in private." She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, all too aware of what the words meant.

"You can't get into the girls' dormitory," she muttered, her eyes still closed. "There are protective charms over the entrances, you know that." Even though her gaze met the floor, she could see in her mind's eye Severus's silent reply, which undoubtedly materialized as a smile that could be described as nothing less than smug.

"That hasn't stopped us before," he replied, his eyes surveying her hungrily.

It was this typical yet somehow always surprising self-assurance that did Lily in. For a rather skinny and physically awkward young man, Severus always exuded a confidence that she could not understand; or, perhaps to phrase it more accurately, he always exuded this confidence around _her_, as if he knew something about her that she did not. Of course it could not be said of Severus Snape that he was physically _unattractive_; Lily saw an endearing depth in his face that drew her in like none of the more traditionally handsome Hogwarts students, like James Potter or Sirius Black, in spite of their continuous advances. Severus's black eyes somehow made her feel like she was being carried out to sea when she looked into them, effortlessly losing herself. It was for this reason that she kept her own eyes fixed on the floor.

"In case you hadn't realized," she rebutted, also whispering, "I am furious with you. There is nothing to discuss."

As she spoke, her spine tingled as Severus gently pushed a stray strand of long, golden-red hair away from her face. His hands moved with a swift confidence that declared a sort of ownership, just as they always did when he touched her. He then moved his hand down her shoulders to the small of her back, pulling her with him toward the entrance and away from possible watchful eyes. Still looking at the floor, she shivered a bit as Severus's mouth touched her ear and whispered silkily, "you know where to meet me. I will see you there in fifteen minutes."

And with that, he slipped out of the door, his robes trailing behind him. Lily closed her eyes, sighed, and began her walk up to the girls' dormitory, pretending to ignore the common room's whispers as she left.

* * *

Lily remembered the first time that Severus had told her about the Room of Requirement. It hardly seemed logical that such a magical necessity would appear in order to accommodate two Hogwarts students in need of privacy, and she scoffed at his suggestion that they try it out. Severus always had a knack for thinking outside the cauldron, and little did Lily know that the Room of Requirement would serve as a haven for them, night after night, over the course of four years. Of course when they first arrived at Hogwarts at the tender age of eleven the Room served no more purpose than providing a place to study and chat alone in the evenings; as such, the Room offered no more than a table with two chairs, a bookshelf and the occasional pitcher of pumpkin juice. Lily could never understand how this space was 'required' for them, but Severus seemed convinced that the cruelty of him and Lily being placed into separate houses was understood by the force at work, and clearly it also understood the need for the two of them to be together. And, just as Severus had predicted, the Room materialized each time the pair of them sought it out.

In the past year, however, the contents of the Room had changed to match the intentions of its users.

Lily knew that Severus was already waiting for her. She took a deep breath, drew her wand from her night robe pocket, and quietly whispered the incantation. The door appeared before her like clockwork, and she hastily grasped the handle and flung herself inside.

The familiar image was there, as it had been since September of that school year; instead of a table with two chairs there was a grand four poster bed, complete with a canopy. Silky lilac sheets were draped around it, as they always were. Lily never ceased to question if Severus could somehow read her thoughts, as she undoubtedly had fantasized about having a bed very much like this one on more than one occasion. The book shelf still remained in the corner, beneath a large window that provided a splendid view of the Hogwarts grounds.

Perhaps the most familiar part was the image of Severus sitting upon the edge of the bed, an endearingly eager look in his eyes. Tonight, however, his eyes were downcast, and he seemed to jump up nervously as Lily closed the door behind her.

His eyes travelled down the length of her body, as they always did, even though her youthful curves were hidden beneath her mass of a night gown. Lily knew, however, that his gaze was based upon memory, for he surely knew too well what the black layers concealed.

Lily had to make it apparent to him that this would not be one of _those_ meetings, since his invitation earlier seemed to carry with it such an implication. In support of this cause, she looked away from him and strolled nonchalantly to the window, staring blankly out onto the grounds.

For a few moments Severus did not move. He seemed to be searching for the words. And then they came.

"Forgive me," he said almost too matter-of-factly, as if it were a proclamation rather than a request.

Lily did not look away from the window. "No," she said simply.

She heard his footsteps approach and within a matter of seconds his hands rested gingerly upon her waist, and his nose and lips touched the back of her head. She felt him breathe in deeply.

"Lily," he began. Hearing her name roll off his lips always had a slightly incapacitating effect on her, and she heard his words that would follow in her head even before he spoke them.

"Don't," was all she replied, and as she tried to stir his arms locked tightly around her waist and he spoke into her hair.

"I love you."

"It's too late for that," was all she could muster, tears welling in her eyes.

Severus's mannerism suddenly shifted, and without a word he whirled her around to face him. His cold hand found the back of her neck, urging her face up to look directly into his own. His voice was suddenly serious and sullen.

"What do you mean you are tired of _pretending_?" he demanded.

Lily knew what she had to say. She just didn't know where to begin. Severus seemed to sense this, and he released her and began to pace the length of the room, stopping every few seconds to study her face.

"You know why I called you Mudblood," he finally said.

Lily examined him, her emerald eyes wide with resentment and a vague understanding, which she was determined to hide from him. "No, I don't," she replied.

This seemed to bring Severus to the point of fury, and he approached her once again so that their faces were nearly touching.

"I called you Mudblood because you," he paused and took a breath. "_You_ are the one who is so afraid of all your Gryffindor cronies knowing that you are with me, that we are together." He seemed to consider this notion momentarily before he continued to speak. "When you decided to defend me to that Potter git, I saw the fear in your eyes. The regret," he breathed deeply. "The fear that you had gone too far and revealed our secret."

"That's not true," Lily rebutted, a feigned confusion in her voice because she knew that there was a hint of truth to the accusation.

"You know it is true!" He growled, pacing once again. "And I saw it in your eyes. So I saved you," he continued. "Now they will all think that I hate you, just as you want them to. I will remain the arrogant, intolerant Slytherin to them, just as you wish. Well," he rushed back over to her, his eyes pleading with hers. "_I_ am the one who is tired of pretending. I am tired of loving you in secret, of hiding our love from everyone else. I am tired of hearing Potter whisper invitations to you when I am there, and imagining the things that he says to you when I am not there. I am _tired_," his voice became raspy, almost painful, "of meeting in secret because you are ashamed of me."

"I am not – "

"You _are_," he cut her off, his voice escalating. His hands seized her arms and she flinched within his grasp. He clearly sensed this and he softly brushed his hand down her cheek, brushing away the remnants of her tears. "You are ashamed of me. And I love you."

With that he replaced the fingers on her cheek with his lips, and he kissed it softly. He continued to kiss down the length of her face until his lips found hers, and in spite of her anger, her fear, all of the impalpable emotions that she was feeling, she returned the kiss hungrily and let the weight of her body sink into his arms. He pressed her body tightly against his own, unable to hide his desire to make her a part of him. Lily's better judgement was screaming in protest, but her heart beat to the rhythm of an omnipotent drummer, drowning out the logic that was, in that moment, an externality at best.

"Now tell me," Severus whispered silkily, pulling his face away from hers and touching her lips with his forefinger. "Tell me, my sweet Lily, what you are tired of pretending."

Lily knew it was now or never. All these things that she had needed to say to Severus were burning up inside of her, and she had to release them now. She had hoped that feigning rage over the Mudblood incident earlier that day would have provided her with an escape; a legitimate way to sever their ties without having to reveal the doubts that had haunted her for the past few months.

Severus's eyes searched hers expectantly.

Lily hesitated. "I am tired of pretending..." she trailed off and then looked into his eyes. Like hypnotic ocean currents they invited her in, and so she looked at the floor. "I am tired of pretending that I am all right with your obsession with the Dark Arts." She paused and sensed his reaction, and continued before he had the chance to speak. "I am tired of being afraid."

The words seemed to cut Severus like a knife. He cupped her face, almost frantically, and thrust her gaze up to meet his own.

"Afraid?" seemed to be all that he could muster up. "Afraid? Lily....I could never..." his voice trailed off, and he closed his eyes with exaggerated strain. "I could never hurt you. You know that I would never hurt you."

Lily had imagined that this would constitute his reaction, and so she drew another breath and continued. "You say that," she said. "But you don't know what you are capable of," she sensed her own body shiver at the implication. "You are a skilled and gifted wizard, Sev. It is natural to be curious in the Dark Arts, but it is something completely different to be _consumed_ by them, as you have been the past few months."

He seemed to draw back from her at the accusation, but he still did not speak. Feeling more sure of herself, Lily continued. "I am Muggle-born, and even though you say now that there is nothing wrong with that, I know how your friends are. And don't tell me," her small voice suddenly became something close to ferocious. "Don't you _dare_ tell me that you don't wish to keep me a secret from your Death Eater cronies."

The last implication clearly stung Severus, and he took a few hesitant steps backward. There was nothing that he could say to contest this because he knew that it was at least partially true. His lack of response gave her the pressing motivation to say the forbidden words; to say what she had come here to say.

"You know I love you, Severus," she whispered in calm, controlled breaths. "But this has to end." She looked up, into his black, wounded eyes. "_We_ have to end."

There was a definitiveness in her voice that Severus clearly did not see any point in arguing with. A deep, aching part of her was waiting for him to renounce the Dark Arts and his friends that practised them. But she knew that he wouldn't. And he didn't.

"It," he stammered, glancing at the floor. "It doesn't have to be too late for us. I will take you tomorrow to them, I'll tell them about you; you'll see that I don't..."

"Stop," she managed, choking back a sob. Tears began to stream down her face in vast quantities. "Please, just stop."

Severus did stop, and he nodded his agreement knowingly. Now where did this leave them?

He seemed to be contemplating the same question for what felt like an eternity, and after a few minutes' hesitation, he bounded toward her and, in a single motion, scooped her up into his arms, pressing her head against his neck. Severus, however, did not cry.

"Give me tonight," he whispered, tenderly kissing her forehead.

There was nothing else to say, and Lily knew it. She nodded. Tonight was the least that she could give him, knowing fully well that this would be the last time that they would ever be alone together. She did her best to push these thoughts away, however, as Severus carried her towards the bed and gently placed her petite frame upon the lilac sheets. He traced the length of her body with his hand before lying next to her.

"Look at me," he whispered.

She obeyed. He studied her eyes with his own, memorizing them. She could read years of pain and loneliness in his eyes, and it made her wonder what he could read in hers. The thought vanished, however, as Severus placed her head gently upon his chest and Lily eventually fell asleep to the rhythmic beating of his heart.


	2. The First Kiss

The First Kiss

Lily Evans's cheeks were still rosy from the crisp, September air that permeated the Hogwarts grounds outside. Her black robe, boasting the official colours of the Gryffindor house, floated behind her as she sped down the corridor towards what would soon be the Room of Requirement. In her left hand was a small piece of parchment that had just been delivered to her by owl.

Of course when she saw the familiar black owl swoop down upon her while she chatted in the yard with her friend Mary, she knew exactly who the sender was. Not only was he the only one who would send a note to her by owl mid-evening when they attended the same school, but he was the only owner of a black owl that she had ever encountered. She had thanked Nimbus (the owl had been named after its owner's fantasy broom) with a pat on the head, and swiftly set off into the school.

When she opened the note she reacted with an involuntary sigh; only Severus Snape would request a study date during the evening of the first day of classes. Lily didn't mind of course; they were best friends, as they had been for the past four years, and she was anxiously awaiting a chance to see him following their two month separation while she accompanied her family on a summer vacation in Scotland. During this time she had seen Nimbus about three times a week, and so the two of them had become very well acquainted.

While it had been an enjoyable summer with her slightly alienated older sister, Petunia, and her parents, all of whom were Muggles, Lily had experienced a strange ache throughout the past two months that she had never felt before. What it meant that this ache was alleviated each morning that she saw the black owl on her window sill Lily was not sure of; but just the same she felt a shiver of excitement as she got closer to the Room.

She already knew that Severus's summer had not been as enjoyable. Throughout the course of their friendship Lily had learned all she needed to about his wretched Muggle father who cared little for Severus but still felt compelled to make his mother's life as miserable as possible. Perhaps it was the knowledge that Severus was truly alone throughout the past two months that made Lily ache so inexplicably; the burden that she was his only true friend and (although she rarely liked to dwell upon it) one of his only sources of happiness, aside from his passionate excursions in potion making and reading about the Dark Arts. Then again, perhaps the ache was a symptom of her own loneliness.

As always, Lily took a conspicuous look around the corridor to make sure that she was alone before removing her wand and whispering the incantation that would cause the door to the Room of Requirement to appear. Once satisfied, she did both of these things and scurried into the Room once the door materialized; her long, golden-red hair trailing behind her.

Lily shut the door quickly behind her and slowly turned to examine her surroundings. As always, in the middle of the room was a table, quite similar to those in the library, with two chairs. On the table was a platter of biscuits and a pitcher of pumpkin juice; Lily's favourite. To the left was a book shelf, just under a large window that provided a thorough view of the Hogwarts grounds. And standing by the window, gazing outward, was Severus.

He turned quickly to face Lily as soon as he heard her enter. At first he did not react but she could tell that he was trying everything in his might to suppress a smile, and after a moment his attempt failed and his otherwise pale face beamed with obvious delight.

"I was afraid that Nimbus got lost," he said, smirking. "He became so accustomed to international trips this summer."

Lily snickered and bounded towards him; he opened his arms in anticipation, and as she jumped into them he picked her up and spun her around. The effortlessness of the act surprised Lily, as Severus had always been a rather lanky boy. It was only now that she realized that he had become a less lanky (although hardly ample) and slightly taller young man. Suddenly aware of his overt enthusiasm, Severus slowly put Lily down but continued to smile at her.

"Well, I did have to go up to the dormitory to grab my potions text," Lily chided. "Unlike you, we don't all walk around the school on our first evening after classes with our books on hand."

"That's true," Severus agreed thoughtfully. "But not everyone will ace all of their O.W.L.s this year either, as I will."

Lily shook her head and, at Severus's motion of invitation, she took a seat across from him at the table and helped herself to some biscuits.

"I don't know why we had to meet here tonight," Lily said in between bites. "You could have come over to talk to me in the Great Hall before the sorting. I would have come over to your table, but I couldn't see you."

"Yes, well," Severus replied a little too quietly. "I was sitting with some friends." Before Lily could respond to this unexpected reasoning, he continued, "So, did any new Gryffindor lads catch your eye?"

Lily laughed. "I am sure they will all grow to be very handsome men....in four years." She shook her head as she helped herself to some pumpkin juice. Severus smiled at the absurdity of his question, but Lily wondered if he still found some satisfaction in her reply.

"What about you?" She continued. "Any Slytherin girls you would like to snog?"

"Not a chance," he replied, almost too quickly. "Um, besides," he continued, lowering his eyes to the floor, "all the pretty girls are in Gryffindor." Severus could sense the sudden tension, and so he added "along with all the gits."

They both had a laugh at this, knowing very well the specific 'gits' that he was referring to.

They shared the events of their day for the next twenty or so minutes before breaking out their books and getting to work. It just so happened that both of them were particularly talented and passionate when it came to potions class, and Lily found surprising enjoyment spending hours with Severus, plugging away at memorizing new concoctions.

"I think Slughorn wishes I was in Slytherin," Lily said, dipping her quill into the inkwell. "That way he could give me just as many house points but they would actually go to his own house."

"He wouldn't be the only one," Severus replied quietly, scribbling madly in the margins of his text book. The reply seemed to be an involuntary reflex, and he looked up at Lily, flushed, and added "Slytherin could always use some more points since we are so horrible at Quidditch."

Lily smirked and briefly considered the young man sitting across from her. His long black hair hung in front of his eyes as he poured over his book, as it always did, but somehow he seemed different. He sat up straighter than usual, but his gestures still exerted a vague uneasiness. She also could have sworn that his quill was shaking ever so slightly as he continued to write.

"Severus," she paused. "Who were the friends that you were sitting with tonight?"

His hand stopped writing but he did not look up. He seemed to hesitate and mull over an appropriate reply in his head before he responded, "Just some fellow Slytherins."

Although dissatisfied with this answer, Lily knew better than to press the issue at the moment. Severus's social status at Hogwarts, although seemingly a superfluous issue to him, always made Lily a bit anxious when it became a topic of discussion. She would never want to imply that she found it hard to believe that he was friendly with many fellow students, even if it was the truth.

Before she had the opportunity to select a change of topic, Severus had risen from his seat and began to stretch. "Blimey," he exclaimed. "Don't you ever stop working?"

Lily looked up at him and was greeted by a playful wink. "Well, she said," beginning to reach across the table, "if you would just share all your potion master secrets with me, I wouldn't have to put in so many hours—"

Her voice trailed off as Severus's hand grabbed her arm as it reached hungrily towards his potions text book, which was perched on the other end of the table. His abruptness startled her, and she quickly pulled away, feeling somehow violated. He sensed this.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "You wouldn't make much sense of all my chicken scratch writing in there. It's..." he hesitated for a moment. "It's embarrassing."

Confused and slightly unnerved by his reply, Lily scowled and began to get up, but Severus interjected.

"Please!" he insisted. "I'm sorry."

Lily exhaled and studied Severus with a scepticism that was occasionally required of her when the two of them were together. This was not the first time that he acted with such abrupt compulsion when Lily attempted to sneak a peek at his texts, and while it didn't occupy her thoughts often, she sometimes considered whether it was a cause for concern.

Severus didn't seem to want to give her much time to consider these options; he quickly walked over to her and knelt next to her, still sitting in her chair. His dark eyes bore directly into her green ones, and, as this contact so often did, it sent an impalpable shiver down her spine.

"There...there is something that I need to tell you," Severus explained hesitantly between deep breaths. "It's actually the reason that I asked you to meet me here tonight."

Lily's mind immediately began to swim with possibilities. The inability to discern if she should be excited or concerned was enough to keep her silent as she waited for him to continue, watching as he stood up and began to anxiously pace the length of the room. His long black robe trailed perpetually behind him, making him appear almost bat-like.

"It's just," he began, and then stopped. He turned to face Lily directly. She saw that his hands were shaking. "I didn't really ask you meet me here for the purpose of studying."

"I sort of gathered that," Lily replied. And then, attempting to lighten the mood, she added "You could have told me that before I just spent an hour doing potions homework that isn't due until the end of the week."

Severus forced a smile and began to pace again. He ran a hand through his black locks which, Lily noticed, were uncharacteristically clean and shiny. It also occurred to her that she had smelled cologne on his robes when they had embraced earlier.

She continued to watch Severus pace back and forth, until he finally decided that the window was the best destination from which to make his speech, and he turned to look out of it, feigning interest in the now dark Hogwarts ground below.

"Lily," he began, and she felt a distinct reaction in her stomach, as he so rarely addressed her directly by her name. Severus inhaled deeply, as if the air were fuelling his voice and his words. "I couldn't stop thinking about you all summer."

She felt a powerful flush infiltrate her face, spreading from her cheeks to her nose and forehead. She had vaguely imagined that this could be the reason why he had insisted that they meet tonight, and by the nervousness in his voice and his movements she hatched a guess that he had been planning this night for the past two months.

"Oh?" was all she could muster, as she directed her gaze to the floor.

"I mean," he continued as if he didn't hear her response at all. "I always think about you. I have thought about you every day since that afternoon we met on the playground," he seemed to smile to himself in recollection of this memory. "You're my best friend."

"And you're mine, Sev," Lily replied automatically. It was true, after all.

Severus seemed to find some satisfaction with this reply, and it apparently encouraged him enough to continue. "I just...I just want to know...was _wondering_ if you could tell me...what it is, exactly, that you feel for me?"

The question hit Lily like a string of darts. Her response would have been more immediate if she could only find a definitive one in her mind, which was currently spinning uncontrollably. Her hesitation seemed to breed more uncertainty within him, and he rushed over to her, almost frantically, and grabbed her hand. She followed his lead and stood up, so that they were directly facing each other. He kept her hand in his possession, unconsciously stroking it with his own.

"Lily," he began, his eyes pleading with hers. "You are so beautiful."

She blushed incessantly and tried to avert his gaze by looking at the floor, but his other hand found her chin and propped it up so that she continued to face him. His sudden confidence shook Lily a bit, and for some reason it made her feel compelled to comply.

"Sev..." she began.

"Since the moment I first laid eyes on you," he continued, unaware of her feeble response. "I thought you were the most beautiful thing...er...girl, that I had ever seen. And you still are." He took a breath and Lily's spine tingled involuntarily as she felt his hand move from her face to the base of her neck, where he lazily pushed away a stray lock of hair. "I have never desired anything, or anyone, as I desire you."

He paused. Lily considered whether this was her cue to reply, and she closed her eyes. She found herself in shock that Severus; young, awkward, withdrawn Severus, was standing before her, making the most grotesquely romantic claims that she had ever heard. In this moment it seemed as though he had lived a dozen lives; that his oddly intense sentiment somehow made him much older than her; older than any other student at Hogwarts. Although her nerves seemed to consume her body and mind in response to his claims, making her tremble, there was an unidentifiable part of her that felt an almost omnipotent release. Was it true? She considered it. Was it possible that she felt the same away about him?

In a rush of self-defiance, Lily opened her eyes. Severus's eyes were searching hers now, as if they were seeking permission to do what they both knew he wanted to do next. Lily decided that she would not fight it; she somehow sensed that this was something that they _needed_ to do. And so, she nodded at his unspoken request.

She felt his hands shake as they both descended upon her waist. She was not used to this sort of stimulus, and she felt her own hands shake in response. Within a matter of seconds, Severus's lips were brushing against her forehead; her cheek; and then, her lips. His kiss was soft at first; hesitant and exploratory. Lily felt herself return the kiss, at which point he pulled her closer to himself, wrapping her in the layers of his robe. It could have lasted an hour just as easily as it could have lasted half a minute; Lily was not sure. All she knew was that Severus Snape, her awkward, shy friend from the age of eleven, was suddenly inexplicably and undeniably intoxicating.

When the kiss ended, he breathed in and rested his forehead on hers. Their eyes met and his mouth parted into the widest smile she had ever seen grace his pale face. He then pulled her body against his and embraced her, resting his head on her shoulder and uttering a sigh of relief.

Lily closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in his scent and his collective essence. She considered the stimulation that accompanied being wrapped in his arms; an embrace that declared a certain type of ownership that she found surprisingly pleasant. As if it were a natural reflex, she wrapped her own arms around him and squeezed him tightly.

"I thought about you all summer too," she whispered. Although she could not see his face, she knew that Severus was smiling.

After a few minutes they had both ceased to move. Finally Severus spoke.

"Lily?"

"Hm?"

"I think this is going to be the best year of my life."


	3. The Secret

The Secret

It was mid-afternoon and Professor Slughorn's potions class was diligently at work, pouring over their cauldrons in the hopes of creating the perfect Kurall elixir. Slughorn was well known for two things at Hogwarts; one was his ability to throw lavish (and ultimately exclusive) parties for his favourite students, and the other was to reward his successful potions students with generous house points.

Lily Evans happened to be one of Slughorn's favourite students, although some would insist that she had become _the_ favourite given her exceptional potions performance this year. Alice and Mary seemed to think that Lily's captivating emerald green eyes and ravishing golden-red locks, which were currently pulled back in a long ponytail, also had something to do with the special treatment. Of course none of those things mattered now as she rummaged through her potions book, trying to make sense of her concoction that had just turned an unnatural shade of brown.

She sighed and rotated her head slightly to see Severus sitting, alone as always, at the table to her left, scribbling madly in his text book; his long black hair concealing his eyes. Although the two of them often did potions homework together in the Room of Requirement during their evenings, he was always a bit of a lone agent in class. Potions was the only class that Lily's Gryffindor group shared with Slytherins, and she was used to sitting with her girlfriends all the time. Although he never mentioned it, she knew that he understood this and didn't take offence. Sometimes she wondered if Severus wished that they didn't share any classes together at all; if he worried about what she would think of him always sitting alone.

Lily reconsidered this. Alone, yes; but Severus was anything but insecure and awkward about it. She actually believed that he preferred it this way. He had vividly demonstrated a month ago that, contrary to his uncouth exterior, Severus Snape was brimming with confidence and a sense of self-entitlement; and he had demonstrated this by kissing Lily for the first time.

She still found herself smiling about the memory whenever it crossed her mind; the way he looked, felt, smelled, as he took her into his arms that night as though he had finally claimed a possession that was rightfully his. After that night their meetings gradually consisted of less and less potions work.

Lily mulled over the events of the past few weeks as she mindlessly chopped her Elloe root. It was strange because the dynamics of her relationship with Severus had not really changed much. More than anything, it seemed as though he was _finally_ being his complete self around her, no longer feeling the need to conceal his desires to compliment, touch and kiss her, nor to conceal his bursting enthusiasm each time they met. She supposed that the touching was probably the biggest difference; it seemed that he needed no reason at all to put his arm around her shoulders, stroke her hair or rub her back as they sat together, whether they were reading or discussing nothing in particular.

Lily didn't mind this, of course. Although always popular among boys this was the first time that she had anything close to what one could call a boyfriend. And the more time she spent with Severus in this context, the more addicting his touch became. She felt a flush invade her cheeks as she also considered his kisses. They were still exploratory and hesitant, and limited to a singular 'good night' basis after each of their meetings ended. Sometimes he breathed so heavily during these occasions, however, that Lily could not help but wonder how much Severus was still holding back...

"Nice potion," came a voice, interrupting Lily's train of thought. She turned around to see James Potter eyeing her conspicuously from behind his round glasses. Immediately irked and all too familiar with his taunting, she responded with an inaudible grunt and turned back to her cauldron.

She heard whispering from behind her, and she imagined James conversing with his usual Gryffindor cronies, Sirius and Remus, debating what his next move should be. At one point she thought she heard her name, but instead of responding she feigned intense interest in stirring her potion.

"A-hem," came a sudden sound to her right, and Lily turned to see James standing next to her, wedging himself in between her and Mary, who seemed to have given up on the assignment. Lily ignored him the best that she could, and swore that, from the corner of her eye, she saw Severus glance in her direction.

James was smiling. "I wasn't being cheeky," he insisted, apparently unaware that she was doing her best not to acknowledge his existence. "Your potion really does look nice...in comparison to mine," he continued, pointing toward the cauldron on his table. "Potions class has never been my thing."

"I could have told you that!" chortled Sirius from behind them, and James dismissed him with an eager wave of his arm, willing him to be quiet.

Lily searched the room for Professor Slughorn, hoping that he would protest Potter's invasion of her work space, but he was occupied at the front of the class, doing his best to alleviate the flames that were erupting from a student's cauldron. She sighed and kept her eyes fixed upon her elixir, which was now bubbling.

"So I was thinking," James continued, ironically ignoring Lily's attempt to ignore him. "Our next trip to Hogsmeade is next week. I think we should walk together and then I can buy us some butterbeers from the Three Broomsticks. What do you think?"

"No thanks," was her immediate, almost involuntary reaction. She heard Mary and Alice whisper to each other and giggle. If James would just ask one of them she was sure that he would have no trouble getting a date for the occasion.

"Why not?"

Lily inhaled, and finally turned to look at him. "Because you have already asked me three times over the past two weeks, and I said 'no' each time. So what makes you think that this time should be any different?" As soon as the words came out she bit her lip, wondering if Severus had heard them and was in turn wondering why she had not told him about these incidents.

"Well I know that girls are famous for changing their minds," James insisted with a chuckle. "I thought maybe you would have found your better sense by now—"

"Leave her alone."

Lily's heart sank. She stopped stirring her potion. She slowly turned to her left to see Severus, his black eyes ablaze, looking into his cauldron. He was still stirring his potion.

James Potter reacted with similar surprise, and turned in disbelief to look at Severus. He was still looking into his cauldron.

"Come again, mate?" James sneered, his face scowling.

"She doesn't want to go to Hogsmeade with you, so leave her alone," Severus replied, his eyes still fixed on his potion. Lily's heart was pounding.

"She doesn't want to go to Hogsmeade with me...." James repeated. "She doesn't want to go to Hogsmeade with me." He then left Lily's side and began to approach Severus's table. Lily felt a choking instinct to speak up and tell James to stop, but somehow the words didn't come.

"And I suppose," James continued, bitter condescension in his voice. "You know this because she wants to go to Hogsmeade with _you_?"

At this remark, Sirius and Remus burst into hysterical laughter. James only smirked, but continued staring at Severus with clear self-satisfaction. Lily sat frozen, unable to speak.

"That's right!" James declared, his voice raised so that others in the class were now paying attention. "It must be because Lily Evans wants to spend her Hogsmeade trip with greasy, snuffling Snivellus! Because he's such a catch and all."

Snickers erupted from around the room, and Sirius and Remus were nearly rolling on the floor with laughter. Severus remained silent, staring into his cauldron.

"It must be the fact that you can barely keep yourself from drooling every time you see her," James persisted, leaning in toward Severus so that their faces nearly touched. "It must be that charm that you just ooze every time you stare longingly at her from across the room. You like her so much it's pathetic."

At this, Severus finally looked up, although he did not look at James. He turned and looked directly at Lily. And then he said the words that induced a shocked state of paralysis such as Lily had never experienced.

"Perhaps she feels the same way about me."

Lily felt the mortification in her eyes grow tangible, and it was all she could do to drop them and pretend to focus on her potion. She could not believe what he had just said.

James's voice shook slightly. "_Excuse me_?" he sneered. "How dare you insult her like that!"

Severus said nothing, but continued to look at Lily, who was still looking away. Even so, she felt his eyes on her.

"Well maybe we should ask Evans what she thinks then," James retorted, a frantic trace in his voice. Sirius and Remus huddled close in anticipation as James squeezed in next to Lily again.

"So Lily," he began with exaggerated interest. "Is that true? Do you _like_ our good friend Snivellus Snape?"

Whispers erupted from across the room as Slughorn had moved on to remedying another student's cauldron at the front of the class. Lily swallowed hard and did not reply. Her face was red as beets and she wished with all her might that she could apparate from the classroom at that very moment.

_Of course_ she liked Severus, she thought. So why couldn't she say it? Why did she sit there like a stupefied hippogriff rather than tell them all the truth and save Severus some more humiliation?

Lily felt his eyes burn into her, and after a minute of no reply, Severus finally looked away. James was apparently satisfied with this response, for he smiled smugly and returned to his table where he was greeted with 'high fives' from his friends. It was at this point that the bell sounded and everyone jumped up, eagerly packing up their things and bringing their potions to the front of the class for submission on their way out. Unlike usual, Severus packed his things with abrupt speed and rushed to the front of the room. In her mind, Lily willed him to look at her, but he kept his eyes fixed on the floor as he raced into the corridor.

After her friends left, Lily slowly stood up, still in shock and feeling horrible for what she had done. She began packing up her books, imagining how she would begin apologizing to Severus, when a snide voice spoke from behind her.

"Not that it matters," it declared darkly. "What would Severus want with a filthy Mudblood like that anyway?"

Lily remained still, and felt her gaze wander over to her left where two Slytherin boys walked past her, eyeing her smugly. She recognized them as Avery and Mulciber, two notorious Slytherin Dark Arts lovers who were rumoured to have Death Eaters for parents. Mulciber spat on the floor as her eyes met his, and his lips curled into a snide smirk as he and his friend exited the room.

* * *

It was evening. Lily was too upset about Severus to care about the remark made by the two Slytherin boys at the end of class. It was all she could think about through dinner, and she grimaced as she heard James and his cronies talk about the incident victoriously at the other end of the Gryffindor table.

Her eyes searched the Great Hall for Severus but they did not see him. Not that it would do much good to talk to him while he was surrounded by a horde of Slytherins. She picked at her minced meat pie and considered the meeting that she and Severus had planned for tonight in the Room of Requirement. She could not blame him at all for not wanting to meet her, but she could not abandon the meeting in case he did show up, in which case he would really think she hated him. Her stomach was alive with enormous butterflies as she imagined what she could even say to him. The truth was that she did not know where to begin.

After pudding and a brief chat with Mary and Alice in the Gryffindor common room, Lily snuck away to the Room of Requirement at the usual time. Her heart was racing as she sped down the corridor, wondering what would be waiting for her on the other side of the door.

With the wave of her wand and an almost silent whisper, the door appeared. Lily took a deep breath and pushed it open. As soon as she entered her eyes searched the room frantically; they brushed past the table with its usual two chairs, the window and the book shelf. Finally they found Severus sitting on the floor, his arm resting on his knee. His head hung low to the ground and his hair hung over his face. When he heard her enter, he looked up gingerly; she had never seen such wounded eyes.

For a moment she stood in silence. The only sounds were that of her breathing. Lacking a better idea, she walked across the room and sat, across from Severus, on the floor. Her hands ached to touch him, to console him, to reveal to him how she truly felt. But all she could do was sit.

"Sev—" she finally began, but he quickly interjected.

"Please don't."

Lily felt tears welling her eyes. "I just want to—"

"Really," Severus insisted, looking into her eyes. "There is nothing to explain."

"What do you mean—"

"I just mean you don't have to justify anything that happened today," he said quietly. "I mean," he hesitated. "It's not like we're dating or anything."

The comment stung Lily for some inexplicable reason. Of course she knew they were not _officially_ dating or anything...but...

"And I don't blame you," he continued, lazily examining his wand. "I don't blame you for not wanting to admit..." He paused, seemingly unsure of how to word the phrase vaguely enough. "Certain things...about you and me."

Lily's loss for words was clear. In spite of the profound pain evident in Severus's face, he still looked at her with an understanding sympathy. "I'm not angry," he said. "It's better this way."

"Better what way?" Lily whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"A secret," he explained. "It's better that we keep this all a secret."

"But why?" Lily said, choking back a sob.

Severus's face remained sullen; his voice matter-of-fact and unconvincingly optimistic. "Because...because I don't want you to _not_ want to be with me because you are embarrassed. I would much rather have you in secret, then know that you are apprehensive about being with me because of what you will have to tell your friends." Severus forced an understanding smile and it broke Lily's heart like nothing else she had ever beheld.

There were so many things that Lily wanted to tell him, but she didn't say them because she didn't know if they were the truth. Was she afraid and embarrassed? Is that why she kept silent today in class instead of admitting her true feelings for the boy sitting here, his eyes so wounded that Lily wondered if she could ever look at herself in the mirror again?

With a lack of words, Lily continued to cry and she could only hope that her tears told Severus everything that he needed to know. She tried to hide her face from him, at which point he reached out for her and pulled her onto his lap. He rested his chin on her head after kissing it, and he mindlessly stroked her hair.

"It's all right," he whispered. "It will be our little secret."


	4. The Discovery

The Discovery

As she set off from the Gryffindor common room, books in hand, Lily began to pant. The chilly November air was still evident on her rosy cheeks, as she had just returned from a rather disappointing Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. It had presumably been an off-day for James Potter, who was otherwise the team star, but this was probably only one of the contributing factors to the Ravenclaw victory.

Lily smirked to herself; the fact that Potter was booed from the stands made it worth attending a sports match that she otherwise had no real interest in. She would not have gone at all if it hadn't been for Alice and Mary's pleas. Of course Lily speculated whether they were really interested in the sport either, or more so in the boys who played it.

The match dragged on for longer than expected, and before Lily knew it she was running late for her meeting with Severus. At his request, they had begun meeting three nights a week rather than four; a chance, he had explained, for him to get more studying done since the amount of studying that the two of them did together was perpetually decreasing. This thought also brought a smile to her face.

Throughout the past six or so weeks the intensity of Lily and Severus's relationship had escalated; miraculously, it seemed, since the two of them had more or less silently agreed to keep the entire affair a secret. The embarrassment that she had caused him during last month's potions class still haunted her from time to time, and she knew better than to explore or press the issue...yet, anyway.

Perhaps the worst part was that Lily was secretly relieved at Severus's suggestion. While she did not doubt her feelings for him in the slightest, the notion of walking around Hogwarts, hand in hand, with Severus bred a plethora of fears in her. The two of them had of course been good friends throughout their previous years here, and that brought enough whispers and criticisms from the Gryffindors and Slytherins to make Lily nothing short of apprehensive to wonder what would happen if their relationship was ever made public. She hastened to think that the root of her embarrassment could be more personal than that; that it was caused by her fear of what people would think when they saw 'greasy Snivellus' and her together. She could only imagine the comments that Potter and his cronies would make.

She shook the thoughts out of her head as she headed for the corridor that would take her to the Room of Requirement, where Severus would already be anxiously waiting for her. He never attended Quidditch matches, insisting that they were a waste of time and breath when he could be preparing himself for the O.W.L.s. For the most part Lily agreed with him, and she—

"Lily Evans, how are you tonight?"

Her thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice. She stopped in her tracks, feeling extremely conspicuous and vulnerable, and turned around slowly to see Professor Dumbledore, the Hogwarts Headmaster, who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. In her surprise, Lily forgot to respond.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry tonight?" He enquired, smiling at her from behind his half-moon spectacles. Lily really didn't know what to say; she _could_ tell the truth, as she was not _technically_ breaking any rules...or was she?

"Uh—professor—I..." she stammered.

Dumbledore kept smiling a little too knowingly. "No matter," he said casually. "I was just going up to my office to have some pumpkin juice. Why don't you accompany me?"

Lily knew that it was more of an order than a request, and she tripped over her own feet a bit as she followed Dumbledore compliantly through the corridors. Her heart was sinking into her stomach; did he somehow know where she was going? What would she tell Severus? She had never been more than five minutes late to their meetings before and she could only hope that tonight's absence would not result in Severus trying to break through the Fat Lady in order to search Gryffindor Tower for her. She shuddered a bit at the possibility.

"How was the match?"

"Oh—um" Lily choked on her words as she tried to string a coherent and inconspicuous sentence together. "Good. Well, other than the fact that we lost."

Dumbledore chuckled as they reached the gargoyle that guarded the Headmaster's office. "I hear the Ravenclaws have a quite a Seeker this year," he said. He then turned to the gargoyle. "Tangello," he said, and the gargoyle promptly moved away. Lily followed Dumbledore up to his office, her hands shaking only slightly.

"Please, sit down," Dumbledore requested, motioning to a chair next to his desk once they had entered. Lily had only been in this office a few times, and she was always awed by the vast collection of magical oddities that it held, particularly all the portraits of the school's deceased Headmasters. Her eyes drank it all in as she sat down across from Dumbledore.

Apparently he had not lied; sure enough there was a pitcher of fresh pumpkin juice on his desk. Lily then noticed that there were two glasses; apparently he was expecting company. It made her flush.

Dumbledore filled the glasses and passed one to Lily.

"Thanks," she said, almost in a whisper. She took a compliant sip.

"You're very welcome," he replied, smiling. "So," he began casually. "How are you enjoying your fifth year at Hogwarts?"

Lily's face curved into an obligatory smile. "Very much, sir."

"Good," he replied, nodding. "Professor Slughorn tells me that you are quite the potions student. He sees you as a future Potions Master here." Dumbledore chuckled and took a drink. Lily smiled awkwardly.

"How about your friends," he continued. "Do you still share a room with Alice and Mary?"

Though somewhat confused by the question, Lily nodded for lack of any other response.

"And how about Severus?"

There it was. A lump formed in her throat and a deep flush invaded her cheeks. How did he know?

"Um, I am not sure what you mean," she replied slowly, turning her eyes to the floor.

Dumbledore only chuckled. "Very little goes on in this school that I don't observe," he began. "I just remember you two used to always be in the library or walking the grounds together; but I am not sure that I have seen you two together at all this year."

Lily swallowed hard. She was not even sure if it was worth replying because if Dumbledore knew more than he was letting on, she did not want to be caught in a lie. The Gryffindor within her willed her to look up and ask, "Sir, is this why you brought me here?"

Dumbledore smiled and gave Lily a little wink. "You are a bright girl. Let me just clarify that you should not be concerned that you are here; you have done nothing wrong, and I would like us to speak frankly. Does that sound all right to you?"

Lily nodded.

"Good," Dumbledore said with a satisfied nod. "Now, let me ask you," he continued. "Do you love Severus Snape?"

The question hit Lily like a stunning curse; she almost dropped her juice but managed to catch it just in time. Dumbledore's face was more serious now, and his eyes met hers as he waited for a response.

"Sir, I...I mean I don't...understand," was all that she could stammer.

Dumbledore waved his fingers at her as if to relieve her of the obligation to answer. "I know it is a personal question," he said, "and I would have to agree with you that is is probably none of my business. I suppose I don't need to know. I would just like you to consider this question as I explain some things to you."

Lily nodded as Dumbledore stood and began to pace the length of his office. Lily clasped her glass of juice and sat absolutely still.

"You are a bright girl, Lily," he said again. "But you are young, and sometimes youthfulness deprives even the greatest mind of some revelations." Lily nodded, feigning comprehension.

Dumbledore moved in front of her and leaned against his desk. "There are many things that we both know about Severus Snape, but I fear there are some things that I know about him that you may not. So," he continued, smiling once again. "I think we should share with each other the things that we know, and maybe we will both learn something tonight."

Lily nodded yet again. Her heart was pounding.

"Now," he said, "why don't you tell me what you know about young Severus."

Lily felt like she was about to write a pop quiz that she could not have been more unprepared for. Dumbledore's eyes, however, were gentle and encouraging, and so she began.

"Well," she took a deep breath. "We grew up around the same neighbourhood. I met him when I was eleven, before I even knew what magic was." She paused, and Dumbledore nodded encouragingly. "I know that his father is a Muggle and his mother is a witch. He doesn't have any brothers or sisters."

She stopped, hoping that this would suffice. Dumbledore looked at her thoughtfully.

"Is that all?"

"Well," she reluctantly continued. "He is also really good at potions, and is interested in..." her voice trailed off. Dumbledore smiled knowingly, as if he had been waiting for her to say this last part.

"And what?"

Lily looked at the floor. "The Dark Arts," she murmured. "He likes to read about the Dark Arts."

She looked up at Dumbledore, her eyes pleading with him to allow her to stop. He clearly understood this and nodded understandingly. "Very good," he said. "Now, may I add to that a bit?"

Lily nodded.

Dumbledore took a moment to apparently gather his thoughts before he spoke.

"Severus _is_ the son of a Muggle and a witch," he agreed. "And you likely also know that his family has very little money and that his childhood was very unhappy."

Lily bit her lip and attempted a half-hearted nod. Apparently this was enough for Dumbledore.

"You may also know," he continued, "that he watched you with interest for months before finally hatching the bravery to approach you on the playground the day you met. You see," he said, looking away from Lily's startled face, "Severus's parents didn't have much use for him, and so he spent a lot of time alone as a young boy. That is why he was so excited when he found you," he turned back to her and smiled. "You became his first and only true friend, and he loved you for that since the day you two met."

It seemed pointless to ask Dumbledore how he was so certain about all of this information, so Lily listened quietly, her head spinning. So far nothing seemed too far fetched to contest.

Dumbledore seemed to give Lily a moment to take all of that in before he continued. "You see, Lily," he explained, "you are the first person, the _only_ person, who Severus has loved, and who has loved him in return. It is a wonderful gift, love. But sometimes certain types of love bring with them certain types of responsibilities," he paused and took a breath. "And it is my fear that these responsibilities may be too heavy a burden for a young lady like yourself to bear right now."

Lily felt her eyebrows rise involuntarily. "I am not sure what you mean, sir." She unthinkingly took a sip of pumpkin juice.

"You see," he began, his voice very matter-of-fact. "You have been placed in a position where you are expected to compensate for all of the love that Severus has not received from the other people in his life. I don't doubt that you may love Severus, or that he loves you, but I fear that these might be two different types of love that have the potential to deeply hurt one of you when they clash together." He considered this for a moment before continuing. "Severus is a confused, angry and wounded young man. The unfortunate hand that he was dealt as a child has deeply inhibited his ability to love and receive love from others. Now you, on the other hand," Dumbledore winked as Lily looked up with interest. "You have received love freely since the day you were born; from your parents, your sister and your friends. You have managed to find love in all sort of different places. Unlike Severus who has placed all his love eggs in one basket, or so to speak." Dumbledore raised a hand and began to thoughtfully stroke his beard. "Now, this leads me to believe that the love that Severus has for you is more intense and consuming than you can begin to imagine. And I do not doubt that it may seem very romantic and exciting right now, but what you need to understand, Lily, is that this sort of love has the potential to wreak tremendous pain and suffering on both parties involved; almost more so than any intense degree of hate."

Lily began to feel as though she was being spoken to in riddles, even if they managed to vaguely make sense. She opened her mouth to speak but remained silent; instead she looked up at Dumbledore, willing him to continue. And so he did.

"It is my belief that Severus's childhood has left him with a skewed vision of what love is. I think the love that he has channelled into your relationship is a selfish one, although that is not necessarily meant to be negative; I believe that Severus would die for you and be completely committed to you for the rest of his life, but in return I fear that he would expect you to return these sentiments and allow him to keep you entirely to himself. It is a selfish love because there is a danger of him being constantly afraid of losing you, and hence afraid to share you with others. His insecurities might make him feel compelled to try and keep all your love to himself. Is this making sense?"

Lily nodded compliantly. "So basically," she began, "because he only cares about me, he will expect me to, in turn, also only care about him and put him before everything else?"

"Precisely," Dumbledore smiled.

"And then," Lily continued, "if I am not able to do this for him, it will end up hurting both of us."

Dumbledore adjusted his spectacles. "A bright girl indeed," he replied.

Lily nodded slowly to herself and tried to take all of this in. She could not even surmise how much time had passed since she ran into Dumbledore in the corridor. The fact that she was so afraid of Severus's reaction only intensified her fear that Dumbledore's insights would be proven correct.

"There is also," he began again, his eyes shifting to the floor. "The issue of Mulciber and Avery, and the practising of Dark Magic that I believe Severus has been doing with them."

Lily's heart sank once again and she looked up with abrupt shock. "What?"

"Surely you knew of his friendship with them."

"I—" Lily cut herself off. "Professor, you must be mistaken. I know that Severus reads a lot about the Dark Arts; he is curious about them. But he does not _practice_ them. That is not even permitted on school grounds!"

Dumbledore smiled knowingly. "That is true. However students have always found ways of doing things in secret at Hogwarts. Now it is also true that these are suspicions and not definitive facts, but like I said," his eyes met Lily's. "Very little goes on at this school that I do not see."

Lily did not reply. She stared blankly ahead, her head spinning. Suddenly breathing was no longer an involuntary reflex, and she had to tell herself to inhale and exhale, trying desperately to regain a sort of rhythm to her body and her life.

Dumbledore seemed to sense this. "I think that will be all for tonight, Ms. Evans. Thanks for the company. You may go."

Lily stood automatically and nodded, slowly turning around to exit the room. No words came to her.

"Oh, one more thing," Dumbledore called before she closed the door behind her. "Remember my door is always open if you ever need to talk." He smiled brightly. "Enjoy your weekend."

"Thanks, Professor." And without a word, she closed the door behind her and ventured into the corridor.

* * *

Lily took a deep breath as she pushed open the door to the Room of Requirement. On the way there she managed to pass a clock and saw that she was an hour late for her meeting with Severus, making her particularly anxious for what might be awaiting her on the other side.

She flung herself inside and quickly surveyed the room. Her mouth hung open as her eyes explored a very different Room of Requirement than the one she was used to; instead of the usual table and chairs that the pair of them used for studying, there was a grand four poster bed, draped in lilac sheets with a canopy. The bookshelf was still beneath the window, and two candles had been placed upon it, their flames dancing in the shadows.

Severus was on the bed, asleep. Lily felt nonplussed; was this something that Severus had planned? Or had the room somehow foreseen Lily's lateness and provided Severus with a place to rest while we waited for her?

She guessed it was the former, and smiled to herself. After all, when Lily was young she had always dreamed of having a bed _exactly_ like this one; growing up as a Muggle did not allow her the luxurious beds that seemed to set the standard in the wizarding world.

Lily placed her books on the shelf and quietly approached the bed where Severus was still sleeping. She climbed on and lay down next to him. The movement caused him to stir and open his eyes; and he immediately smiled when he saw her.

"Hey," he whispered a bit groggily, stretching his arms. "What happened?"

Lily smiled in return and propped her head up upon her hand. "The Quidditch game took forever to finish. Finally the Ravenclaw Seeker caught the Snitch," she paused for a moment before adding, "Potter played horribly."

Severus grunted a chuckle, and then reached for Lily and pulled her close to him so that their noses touched. He wiped away a stray lock of her golden-red hair and gave her a long kiss, which she returned as her own hands wrapped around his neck.

"So," she began. "What's with the change of scenery?"

Severus smiled and considered the extravagant bed. "I know it might sound corny," he said. "But tomorrow is Saturday...and I kind of just wanted to lay here with you tonight." Lily gave him a curious look and he quickly added, "If we get up early enough we can make it back to our rooms without anyone noticing."

Lily smiled and lay her head down next to Severus's. "You know that Alice and Mary notice everything."

"Well if that is the case," Severus replied, his hands lazily stroking Lily's hair. "We can always do a memory charm."

They both laughed and he kissed her again. Lily felt a surge of relief; of course Dumbledore was a wise wizard with many years to accredit him, but it didn't mean that he was right about _everything_. If Severus's love was so selfish and obsessive, why did he lay here and wait for her, knowing that she would come, instead of ransacking the school in a jealous rage? And when could he possibly find the time and space to practice the Dark Arts without being caught by Filch, let alone Dumbledore?

The memories of Dumbledore's warnings began to fade as Lily lost herself in Severus's gaze, touch and scent. In fact, they didn't cross her mind again for the rest of the night.


	5. The Rift

The Rift

Lily closed her eyes as she took in one more breath of the aromatic bath water surrounding her. Even though she had only been home for a few days for Christmas break, she was already glad that she had declined the invitation to her aunt's holiday party, which her parents and sister were currently attending. Lily told them that she had a headache and would ruin everyone's fun; the truth of of the matter was that she was feeling increasingly disconnected from her family, and from the Muggle world in general, and felt more comfortable at home, alone in her room with her school books. And then of course, there was Severus.

It had officially been a week since she had heard from him. When they left school for the Christmas holidays he told her that he would send Nimbus to drop her a line within a couple days. He did not mention anything about coming to fetch her from her parents' house, and Lily was quite relieved about it. Her family was weary enough about Lily's own magical status and she didn't need to concern them further by bringing Severus over since her family had already been weary of him when the two of them first became friends four years ago.

However, seven days had passed and there had yet to be any black owls gracing her window sill since she arrived home. She tried to rationalize different possibilities as to why this was the case, but in the end her mind was still clouded and her stomach was still uneasy. And so she kept waiting.

Sighing at her own anxieties, she pushed herself up out of the warm water and quickly blanketed herself in her pale yellow bathrobe. She always thought it funny that she had only been a part of the wizarding world for just over four years, yet every time she now wore Muggle clothes they felt like a disguise; as if she was trying to look like something that she no longer was.

Lily quickly dried her hair with a towel and watched the bathwater drain. It was still early evening, yet she just wanted to climb into bed, go to sleep and think a bit less about missing Hogwarts...and Severus. She imagined him locking himself in his room and listening to his parents quarrel all through the Christmas holidays, as he used to do when he was younger. Perhaps he had not sent an owl because he was afraid of angering his father who, from what Lily understood, hated magic.

Lily considered this as she walked to her bedroom; or what used to be her bedroom, as she now perceived it. All around her were remnants from her Muggle life; still photographs and posters, a canopy-less bed, and a closet full of 'normal' clothes. She retrieved a hairbrush from her dresser and began to mindlessly run it through her long, golden-red locks when a tapping at her window struck her like a stunning spell.

Startled, she turned abruptly to see Severus, like a vision from the past, perched on a tree branch, beckoning her to let him in. She ran to the window and opened it, helping to pull him into her room. She closed it as he walked toward the bed, giving his long black hair a shake.

"Blimey, it's a cold one," he exclaimed, slipping off his shoes and removing his coat. He rubbed his hands together and smiled at Lily.

"How long were you out there? Where did you even come from?" Lily asked, mindlessly walking over to him and returning his hug. He didn't answer, but lowered his head and kissed her. It was a different sort of kiss than usual; a little less hesitant and a bit more invasive. Lily thought she tasted whiskey on his breath.

"I'm sorry I didn't send an owl like I said I would," Severus continued, ignoring her questions. He let go of her and sat down on her bed. "I thought I would let Nimbus have a vacation as well."

Lily forced a sardonic smile."Well it's good that you decided to come when my parents were gone; I don't think they would have taken kindly to a stranger at my bedroom window."

Severus smirked and lay back on the bed. "It might bring back too many memories for them." He sat up and looked into Lily's scowling eyes. "Have some faith in me," he explained. "I saw that your parents' car was gone so I figured that they would also be gone."

"How did you know that I was here?" Lily retorted, a little too quickly.

Severus gave her a self-satisfied grin. "Your bedroom light was on."

"Oh," she replied, glancing at the floor. He motioned an invitation to her and she joined him on the bed.

"Why are you in your school robes?" she observed. "It seems a bit risky, don't you think."

"I assume that anyone who sees me will either think it is an unnecessarily billowy winter coat...or perhaps they will just think I am a freak," he chuckled to himself. "Nothing I'm not already used to."

They didn't speak for a moment. Severus placed an arm around Lily, pulling her into him and giving her a squeeze. She wanted to be comforted by the closeness, and by his presence in general, but somehow she felt unnerved.

"Where have you been?" she prodded again. "It's been a week."

"It doesn't matter," he said dismissively, kissing her head. "I'm here now." He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her again. "I missed you."

"I was worried," Lily continued, sensing his evasions. "I didn't know what to think."

She sat up and looked at him. He smiled understandingly. "I'm sorry," he said. "There are no excuses. Why don't you let me make it up to you?"

Before Lily could reply he released a playful growl and picked her up, throwing her down on the bed. She laughed in spite of herself and tried to push her thoughts away, focusing on the kiss which she was now hungrily returning.

"Lily," Severus moaned as he began to kiss her neck.

She closed her eyes and allowed her body to relax. And then suddenly his hands were fumbling with her robe...

Her own hands involuntarily clamped over his. "What are you doing?" she unknowingly hissed.

Severus smiled and brushed her hands away. "It's all right," he assured her with a silky whisper. "I just want to see you."

Lily lay frozen as Severus untied her robe and swiftly pushed it off of her. She watched with a vaguely detached fascination as his gaze moved hungrily down the length of her body.

"Sev," she began, biting her lip. "I don't know if we should—"

"It's okay," he whispered soothingly. "I love you."

He began kissing her again, and Lily complied reluctantly. And then his hands set off in a fumbling exploration...

"I think we should stop," Lily whispered, breaking away from his kiss. "Please."

"I just want to make you feel good," he replied, his speech slurring a bit. His hands continued to move further downward. "Like you always make me—"

"_Stop_," Lily ordered, raising her voice for the first time. She pushed him off of her and abruptly got up from the bed. She threw her robe back on and tied it up, clearly feeling exposed and violated. She suddenly felt herself choking back tears.

Severus sat on the bed, looking nonplussed at Lily. "I don't—" he stammered, casting his eyes downward. "I'm sorry. I just...I just want to make you happy."

"Well that is _not_ the way to do it!" she said shakily.

"I'm sorry," he insisted again, getting up from the bed. "I thought...I thought you wanted to..."

"Not like this." She inhaled deeply. "You've been drinking."

Severus seemed to consider this. "I'm sorry," he repeated automatically. He began to approach her, his arms outstretched, but Lily pulled away, her own arms defensively crossed in front of her chest.

For a minute neither of them spoke. Severus slowly sat back down on the bed, his eyes searching hers. Lily broke his gaze and looked at the floor.

"Where were you?"

"Doesn't matter," Severus murmured, running his hand uneasily through his hair. There was another prolonged pause.

"Where _were_ you?" Lily repeated, her voice something close to ferocious. "Answer me."

No longer prone to argument, Severus looked straight into Lily's eyes. His own dark eyes seemed to grow strangely cold. "I was at the Malfoy estate."

Lily felt her head shake involuntarily and her sudden confusion caused her to blink unknowingly.

"_Lucius_ Malfoy?" She began, a vague look of disgust spreading over her face. "He is a...isn't he a—"

"Death Eater?" Severus retorted, an air of defiance in his voice. "Maybe he is, not that it matters. I was invited there for Christmas; a bunch of Slytherins were." He seemed to give her a moment to consider this. "So I went."

Lily's mouth hung open with inexplicable shock. "A bunch of Slytherins..." she repeated mindlessly. "Like Mulciber and Avery?"

"Perhaps," Severus replied, his voice rising considerably. "And perhaps I _was_ drinking. That doesn't—"

"How _could_ you," Lily snapped, cutting him off. "Avery and _Mulciber_? After what I told you about them? After what they said to me?"

Severus exhaled and stood up, apparently frustrated. "We already discussed this," he said. "If they knew about us, if they knew how much you meant to me, they would have never said that to you." He then walked right up to Lily, and hovered close so that their noses almost touched. "But of course they cannot know about that, can they?"

"This secret was _your_ idea!" Lily yelled, backing away. "_You_ were the one who suggested it!"

"Yes," Severus roared back. "Pardon me for wanting to spare myself the future pain and humiliation of being denied by you in front of all your friends once again!" Lily did not reply, and Severus began to pace the room, looking unnervingly reminiscent of a caged lion. "Besides," he continued. "What would you rather me do? Spend another miserable Christmas alone with my parents while you have a cozy family reunion here?" His eyes were suddenly blazing. "It's not like you would invite me here to spend it with you!"

"Oh yes," Lily exclaimed with furious sarcasm. "Because inviting you here would be such a grand idea; it would just make the holidays better for everyone! My parents would be thrilled!"

"You only think about yourself," Severus declared. "It's funny how Malfoy is a rumoured Death Eater, yet he extended to me the hospitality and friendship that no one else ever has," his voice escalated again. "Not even my own parents! So yes, perhaps I did spend this Christmas in Death Eater company, but ironically it was the best Christmas I have ever had. What do you think about _that_?"

Lily's entire body was shaking. She was literally speechless. Suddenly Severus; quiet, intoxicating, romantic Severus whom she had spent entire nights with the past month, talking about every aspect of their lives; whom she had known for the past four years, whom she had, daresay, fallen in love with, seemed to be a total stranger.

Neither of them spoke for several minutes. Then, almost zombie-like, Lily turned and walked out the bedroom door.

"Where are you going?" Severus asked, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"To make some tea," she replied, her voice hollow.

* * *

When she returned upstairs, a tray of two tea-filled cups in her hands, Severus was laying mindlessly on the bed. He shot up immediately as soon as she entered. She set the tray down, passed a cup to him and he nodded his thanks. She sat down across from him on the bed, her own cup in hand. Her wounded eyes would not allow her to look at him; she feigned interest in her cup and mindlessly sipped the hot beverage.

Finally Severus spoke.

"You were right," he said, an air of surrender in his voice. "I probably had too much whiskey, and I lost control." Through the corner of her eye she could see his face looking at hers, but she kept her eyes downcast. He continued. "I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel...pressured," he reached his hand out and placed it on her free hand, which was resting on the bed. "I love you more than anything, Lily. You are the only thing that makes this life matter to me, I hope you know that. And I will do _anything_," he said, placing his cup down on the night stand and moving next to her. "I will do anything to fix this; to keep you."

Lily stiffened as he placed an arm around her and buried his face in her hair. He then cupped her chin in his hand and pulled it towards her, kissing her cheek.

"Tell me what to do," he whispered earnestly.

Lily considered this for a few moments and took another sip of tea. She then also placed her cup down and pushed a strand of hair away from her face.

"I don't know," she confessed with a sigh. "It doesn't seem fair for me to tell you to sever ties with your friends." She inhaled and looked at Severus. "But why do _they_ have to be your friends? They're just...they're just downright creepy, some of them. And Mulciber and Avery," she continued. "There is just something sinister about them."

Severus smirked. "There are probably a lot of Hogwarts students that would say the same thing about me," he replied. "And I'm not so bad, am I?"

Lily rolled her eyes and smiled in spite of herself. "I suppose not...sometimes anyway," she added, her eyes widening.

Severus laughed and pulled her close, and this time her body did not resist it. He rested his chin on her head and stroked her hair, as he always did.

"They aren't so bad either," he said softly, giving her an affectionate squeeze. "You'll see."

He shifted suddenly and stood up off the bed. Lily watched curiously as Severus, his eyes remaining fixed on hers, removed his robe and shook it onto the floor. He then removed the button-up shirt that he wore underneath it, followed by his trousers.

Lily was, for the first time, confronted with a fully exposed Severus Snape. He stood still in front of her, giving her eyes a moment to consider him. Although lanky, his arms and chest were surprisingly sculpted, and his legs were long and lean. Although he said nothing, Lily understood that the gesture was, in some strange Severus form, an apology. He was making it clear that he was hiding nothing from her; no lies, no insecurities.

Lily smiled back at him and, a bit more shyly, removed her robe. Severus's gaze, however, did not leave her eyes.

He climbed back onto the bed, and they both crawled under the feather-down quilt. Lily turned off the bedside lamp.

"When do you think your parents will be home?" he asked, snuggling close to her.

"It doesn't matter," she replied a bit dreamily. "They won't come in here."

Lily closed her eyes as she felt Severus's arms encircle her. She felt his breathing become more regular as he drifted closer towards sleep.

"Severus?"

"Hm?"

Lily took a breath. "I love you."

Although she could not see his face in the darkness, she sensed that he was smiling.

"I know," he whispered back. "I know."


	6. The Invasion

The Invasion

Lily willed herself to look away from the slightly tattered book that was sitting, almost with a beckoning mystique, next to her on her bed. She shook her head, as if it would rid her mind of the curiosity that was plaguing her like a herd of Dementors.

It was Severus's potions text book.

The circumstances that led to her current possession of the book were innocent enough. As usual, Severus had put their potions class to shame yesterday with his flawless concoction of a successful Perseever elixir. Lately even Lily had been no match for his impeccable instincts and, much to Severus's clear delight, Professor Slughorn had taken notice and continuously felt the need to point out Severus's talent in front of the class. Of course Lily was happy for him (and she would never admit that a vain part of herself missed Slughorn's nearly exclusive favouritism) when the teacher invited Severus for tea in his office immediately after the class was finished to further discuss the mechanics of Perseever brewing (since Slughorn admitted how difficult _he_ even found the process to be).

Slughorn had whisked Severus out of the room as soon as he submitted his assignment, and it had apparently slipped Severus's mind to return to his desk and retrieve his text book. Odd, Lily thought, since he was always so secretive about the perpetually manic scribbles that he did in the margins when Lily was around. Clearly the adrenaline rush of recognition, which Lily knew too well, had gotten the best of him.

It seemed logical that she retrieve the book for him and return it during their next meeting, since it was their last potions class of the week. She didn't think twice about placing the text in her own bag, and heading back to her room with it.

That was, until that evening in the Great Hall, when everyone was eating. Lily took her usual seat with Alice and Mary who were chatting intently about their classes. With the O.W.L.s only three months away, all the fifth years seemed to have assumed a more academic mentality.

Lily mindlessly twirled her spoon around her bowl of custard and listened politely to the conversations around her, when a sudden hand on her shoulder caused her to jump in her seat.

"I need to talk to you," whispered a familiar voice into her ear. She turned around to see Severus, his eyes wide and his lip twitching involuntarily. Lily immediately felt a dozen eyes turn toward her.

Not entirely sure how to react, Lily placed her spoon down and rotated in her seat. "Um, ok," she began hesitantly. "What is it?"

Severus's eyes quickly surveyed the curious students seated around him. He cleared his throat and added, "In private."

Lily swallowed. She didn't know how private any conversation could be when the entire school would see the two of them exit the Great Hall together, but there was an intensity in Severus's dark eyes that Lily knew not to question, and so she nodded slowly and got up from her seat.

The Hall was particularly chatty still as many students were helping themselves to pudding, and Lily was thankful that very few of them, aside from those at her own table, had taken notice. As she approached the doorway, however, she thought she saw Dumbledore's gaze follow her. It made her flush.

Finally they were alone and Severus pulled her into a nearby corridor.

"What's this all about?" she hissed, looking around uneasily.

"My potions book," Severus replied, also whispering. His eyes were wide with anxiety and he was nervously scratching his head. He leaned in very close so that she could feel his breath on her face. "I can't find it."

Lily considered this for a moment, but before she was able to reply, he spoke again.

"Did you take it?"

The question was abrupt, and sounded too much like an accusation for Lily's ease of mind. She felt a vague boiling inside of her.

"Did _I_ take your potions book?" she repeated, a bit edgy.

"Just answer the question," he ordered, his voice still in a whisper which had grown considerably more demanding. Lily noticed that this was probably their first encounter in which he had not greeted her with a smile.

Lily felt bitter defiance rise up from her stomach and creep into her throat. She looked up and met his eyes with an equally reproachful gaze. "Why would I take your potions book?"

This ambiguity was clearly not the reaction that Severus had wanted, and he suddenly slammed his hand against the wall, startling Lily.

"I am just letting you know," he said, leaning in close to her in a manner that Lily could not help but involuntarily shrink away from, "It you took it, and it is supposed to be some sort of joke, it _isn't_ funny." He took a deep breath. "I need it back."

It was all too much for Lily to reconcile; how _dare_ he pull her out of the Great Hall, like a teacher ready to chastise a student, and start accusing her of stealing from him, and then _lying_ about it. She scowled up at him and shook her head in disgust.

"If it is so important that you study tonight," she snapped back, "go ask Slughorn for another book. I'm finished here."

She turned to walk away, but was suddenly yanked back by Severus's forceful grip on her arm. She released an involuntary gasp as he pulled her roughly back towards him. There was a foreign hostility in his eyes that she had never seen before, and it made her shiver.

Severus was nearly panting with what seemed to be fury. For a few moments his eyes bore into hers, as if they were searching for information. He then began to whisper "If I find—"

"I didn't take your stupid book!" she yelled, cutting him off, a bit startled by her own reaction. Severus was surprised as well and his eyes left her gaze, quickly scanning the corridor to make sure that no one was watching. This gave her enough time to pull away from his grip and storm away.

She couldn't go back into the Great Hall; there would be too many questions and she felt tears welling in her eyes. She headed back to Gryffindor tower and lay alone in her room for the rest of the night.

That was yesterday. She had not seen or talked to Severus since. Nor did she want to.

And so here she was, his potions book in her possession and the guilt of a lie on her conscience.

It wasn't really her fault, she thought to herself. She took the book with the intention of returning it to him, so that no one else would take it. How could he accuse her like that? She bit her lip.

She continued to stare at the book and the compulsion became overwhelming. Dumbledore's warnings that she had been trying her best to ignore since their provision a few months ago now came rushing back all too palpably.

Lily closed her eyes as she reluctantly reached for the book. Her hands shook as she took it into her lap and ran her fingers down the tattered binding. She took a breath, opened the front cover and began to scan the pages.

At first Severus's entries really did seem like not much more than chicken scratch writing, as he had once implied when she tried to take a peek at the book in September. The margins were nearly filled next to every potion that they had tried to make in class, mostly improvisations and suggestions as to how to improve the procedure and optimize the ingredients.

Severus had always done well in potions, as Lily knew. She always knew that he was a dedicated student more generally. But for the first time she began to realize that he could actually be called a _genius_. It seemed that for every potion listed he could think of a way to expand upon it or better it. She became awed as she flipped through page after page, taking it all in. How did he know all of this?

As she approached the back of the book she noticed a stray piece of parchment that had been stuffed between two pages. She removed it slowly and opened it up.

What Lily saw made her jaw drop and her spine tingle. Scrawled across the top of the page was the underlined title, 'Spells for enemies—Work in progress.'

Lily's finger shook as it traced the length of the page and she began to read.

'Levicorpus- still needs some work. Should elevate victim into the air and dangle them upside down by the ankle. Last attempt only partially successful.

'Sectumsempra- slashes victim's body, evoking excessive bleeding. Cuts should follow guidance of curser's hand movements. Nearly mastered.'

Lily gasped quietly and placed her hand on her mouth. Her heart was pounding uncontrollably. She continued reading.

'Muffliato- useful supplement. Will fill victim's ear with unidentifiable buzzing sound and create state of confusion. Still in development.'

"Lily?"

Lily re-inserted the parchment and snapped the book shut, jumping up where she sat. Her eyes darted across the room to find Alice, looking slightly alarmed by Lily's reaction, standing in the doorway.

Lily exhaled a deep sigh of relief and rose from the bed. "Alice," she said, involuntarily clutching her chest. "I didn't hear you come in."

Alice eyed her thoughtfully. "Anyway," she said. "That Snape kid is standing outside the Common Room. He said he needs to talk to you," she paused and added quickly, "He wanted to come into our room but I didn't let him."

Lily nodded.

Alice looked at the floor uncomfortably. "So...what did he want at dinner anyway?"

Lily also looked at the floor. "We are helping each other with this week's potions assignment and he needed to ask me some questions."

Alice raised her eyebrows, seemingly unconvinced but perceptive enough to leave the issue alone. She sat on her bed. "Well, are you going to go talk to him?"

Lily glanced down at the book and thought about it. "No," she said finally. "He can wait until tomorrow."

Alice smirked. "Well good, we hardly ever get to spend our evenings together with you always being off at the library. You should come into the Common Room; James and Sirius are having a game of chess and you know how they love our company."

Lily forced a smile. "Not tonight," she said. "I am not feeling all that great and I kind of just want to go to bed," she looked apologetically at Alice. "Next time, all right?"

Alice sighed and shrugged as she turned to leave the room. Lily pulled her own hair in frustration and sat back down on the bed.

Severus has been inventing curses. Curses that he intends to use on enemies. Curses that have the potential to really _hurt_ others. No wonder he was in such a huff to hide his book.

For the first time Lily thought of Severus and felt genuine, cold fear creep through her bones. What could she do? What would _he_ do if he found out that she in fact _did _have his book and looked through it? The thought made her shudder. The Severus that she encountered in the corridor yesterday was somehow different; brute and angry. Angry with _her_.

And then it occurred to her; what if he already knew? What if he was waiting outside the Common Room, well aware that she had his book, and was waiting to break in and confiscate it and do Merlin-knows-what to her?

The subconscious solution came to her from the unknown depths of her mind—Dumbledore. He was right. All this time, he had been right. If she just brought the book to him, showed him what would clearly confirm his suspicions of Severus's Dark Arts dabbling, surely he would know how to handle the situation and protect Lily during the process.

But then, she considered, what if Severus would already suspect that and attack her, along with his Death Eater minions, while she tried to get to Dumbledore?

Her thoughts were interrupted with a knock at the door. Lily heard two muffled voices, and in a moment the door flew open.

Severus entered first, his eyes determined as Mary stumbled in after him. They both looked at Lily and she stared back, nonplussed. Mary seemed flustered.

"I'm sorry, Lily," she said hastily, gasping for breath. "He was standing outside by the Fat Lady and when I wanted to come in, he asked where you were. I told him I didn't know and when I said the password he barrelled in after me." She looked at him with clear distaste.

"I said that it's no big deal," Severus retorted, his voice stern and matter-of-fact. "Lily borrowed a book of mine, which I need tonight so that I can finish an assignment." He then looked at Lily, as though he was challenging her to contest this.

Mary looked from Severus to Lily, and then searched Lily's eyes as though seeking confirmation. Lily inhaled and nodded to her. "It's okay, Mary," she said. "Thanks."

Mary, similar to Alice's take on the circumstances, shrugged unknowingly and left the room, closing the door behind her.

And so it was just the two of them. It was too late; the book was here, and obviously Severus knew it. Whatever he was going to do, he might as well get it over with.

Feeling a sudden rush of courage, she picked the book up off of the bed and handed it to him. "Here," she said. "Now go."

Severus looked blankly at the book as he took it, and then looked back at Lily. She really didn't know what to expect next, but she hoped it would happen soon. His dark eyes bore into hers and she looked away. He did not move.

"I don't know," she began, and paused. "I don't know what you want from me right now. You have your book. Please leave."

She expected him to yell, or draw his wand and hex her. Instead he stood there as if he were stunned. After a few moments he finally cleared his throat and looked at the floor.

"I—" he stammered. "I don't know what to say to you right now."

"Whatever it is," Lily retorted, "I don't want to hear it. Get out."

"Just let me explain," he began.

"No! _Get out_!" she exclaimed, and without thinking her hands found the history of magic text book which was sitting on her bureau, and she hurled it at him with blind fury.

He managed to dodge it, and then sprung at Lily, grabbing hold of her arms.

"_No_!" she exclaimed as she tried to struggle from his grasp, tears pouring down her face. She felt her left arm sting where he had viciously grabbed her the previous day, and it only ignited more anger in her.

"_Lily_," he persisted, his voice calm and collected. "I need to explain something to you." He did not let go of her arms as she fought madly to free herself.

"Get your hands _off_ of me!" she yelled, and he finally let go. He raised his hands in the air, as if to declare his surrender.

"Okay, okay," he said, backing away. "I'm sorry."

Lily began crying uncontrollably as she sat down on her bed, her hand on her stinging arm. Severus immediately knelt in front of her and tried to look into her eyes. She looked away.

"Lily, look at me," he said softly. She shook her head and looked away further still.

"Go away," she said in between sobs.

But Severus was determined. He cupped her chin with his hand and guided it forward so that they were looking into each others' eyes. Lily was too exhausted to fight it. She was consumed with the confusion of every single emotion she could possibly experience, all racing through her head at once. She gave into his gaze.

After a few moments Severus's eyes widened. He pulled back and let go of her.

"You're afraid of me," he said in an almost astonished whisper.

Lily said nothing, but continued to cry.

Severus stood up and scratched his head compulsively. "Lily," he began earnestly. "I know you didn't take my book."

"Well clearly I did," she stammered, wiping her eyes. "It's right here."

"Yes," he replied quickly. "But I know you didn't _take_ it. I just...I can't believe I..."

"And how do you know this all of a sudden?" she snapped back. "You seemed really sure of yourself yesterday."

"I know...I...I just..." he trailed off and sat on the bed next to her. "Lily _please_ stop crying," he pleaded. "I can't stand that I could do something to hurt you this badly, to make you afraid of me."

Suddenly there was knocking at the bedroom door. Severus shot up.

"What's going on in there?" demanded a slightly familiar male voice. "Lily, are you all right?"

"This doesn't concern you!" Severus yelled back, still looking at Lily.

The next moment the door burst open. It was James Potter, with Mary and Alice creeping in quietly behind him, concerned yet guilty expressions on their faces.

"What the..." James began, looking around. "What did you _do_ to her?"

"This is between me and her," Severus fired back. He didn't look away from Lily.

"She's _crying_," James exclaimed, confusion and concern in his voice. "What are you—"

"I am _not_ going to let you play the hero right now, Potter," Severus bellowed, finally looking at him. He then knelt in front of Lily again, trying to search her eyes. She wanted more than anything to stop crying, but she just couldn't. It was all too much.

"Lily," Severus whispered. He reached for her hand but she pulled away.

"Please go, Sev." There was a painful desperation in her voice that Lily did not know she was capable of feeling.

"Lily," he repeated, "I just want to—"

"Not now," she whispered, choking back a sob. "Just go. _Please_."

"Get out!" James yelled.

Severus got up, but it was clearly not because James ordered him to do so. He reached onto the bed and grabbed his book, and stalked out of the room. He looked James in the eyes as he passed him, and James returned the glare, beckoning him. And then Severus was gone.

James, Mary and Alice followed Severus out of the room, apparently making sure he would leave the Gryffindor tower without causing a ruckus. Lily, finally alone, curled into a ball on her bed and began to rock back and forth.

A few moments later there was another tap on the door.

"Please just go away!" Lily pleaded, closing her eyes as more tears poured out.

She then looked up to see James, very hesitantly, stepping inside her room.

"He's gone," he said quietly. Lily did not respond. "Are you," he began, looking uneasily at the floor. "Are you _okay_?"

Lily did not feel like confiding the earth-shattering reality of the situation to anyone, especially not James Potter. In the midst of her volatile state she managed to fish out a story that would hopefully brush him off.

"I'm okay," she said. "I'm just...I'm just upset because our O.W.L.s are coming up...and I haven't been doing too great in potions lately...and Severus was going to help me study...and I just sort of broke down."

James looked unconvinced. "Snape stormed into Gryffindor tower, into your bedroom, because you two were going to study together?"

"Yes," she sniffled, finally gaining control of her sobs. "We were going to meet at the library, but I fell asleep. I have been so overworked lately." She paused. "He was worried and wanted to make sure that I was okay. And then I just broke down."

James began to appear more convinced but simultaneously more confused. He scratched his head and seemed to consider this. Lily hoped with all her might that it would satisfy him. The last thing she needed was James Potter alerting the Marauders that Severus Snape was in the process of inventing Dark curses...in addition to breaking her heart.

"I'm okay," she insisted. The tears had all but stopped now. "Really."

James nodded slowly. "All right," he said. He turned to exit, but stopped, as if there was more that he wanted to say. Lily sensed this and forced a smile.

"Thanks," she said.

James seemed to blush. She had never seen him look so unsure of himself. If it hadn't been for the weight of everything else that she was experiencing at the moment, she might have even found it endearing.

He left after a moment and Lily closed the canopy around her bed. She buried her face in a pillow and willed sleep to find her. She finally began to drift off, exhausted and overwhelmed; vaguely trying to reconcile the fact that things would likely never be the same again.


	7. The Relapse

The Relapse

"Here you are, ladies," said the barmaid habitually as she placed three butterbeers on the table in front of Lily, Alice and Mary. The girls thanked her and eagerly opened their bottles.

It was the last Hogsmeade trip of the school year and Lily had reluctantly agreed to accompany her roommates to the Three Broomsticks, which was currently bustling and noisy. Nearly every table was occupied by excited students treating themselves to butterbeers and discussing their exams that were very soon approaching.

Lily took a halfhearted sip and wiped the froth from her lips. She was only vaguely aware of the conversation occurring between her two friends; her head was cloudy and detached, as it had been for the past four weeks.

Four weeks.

It had been four weeks since she had stopped seeing Severus. After the night that he had stormed into her room; the night that she read his potions text book and began to feel her world unravel, she decided it was all too much.

Of course he had sent Nimbus to her many times. For the first week he sent her the same note which appeared, tied to the fuzzy black owl, like clockwork each day while she ate breakfast. And each morning she took the note and read it:

_ We need to talk. Meet me tonight at the usual time._

_ I love you_

And, after each read, she tied the note back to Nimbus's leg and sent him back along with some pieces of granola for his trouble. Needless to say, she never went to see Severus. The first week was undoubtedly the most difficult.

By the second week, Nimbus still arrived each morning at the same time, but the note was different:

_I can't stand not seeing you. I am so sorry for everything._

_ Please meet me tonight._

_ I love you_

Week three then began, and this time Lily tore up the note that read:

_Tell me how to fix this. I'll do anything._

_ I need to see you; please meet me._

_ I love you_

Unsurprising to Lily, Nimbus still showed up the next day, and each subsequent day that week, carrying an identical note to the one that she tore up the previous day.

And then week four began and the notes stopped. While Lily should have been relieved, she only felt increasingly empty. Six days went by and she slowly began to confront herself with the implications of the decision that she had made.

And then, yesterday, Nimbus arrived once again. Lily reluctantly took the note from his leg and sent him off with a piece of bacon. Her hands shook slightly as she opened the note and read it:

_If this is really goodbye, I need to hear the words from you._

_ I will wait for you tomorrow outside the Three Broomsticks at one o'clock._

_ If it is what you want, this will be the last time I ever ask you to meet me._

_ I love you_

Lily choked back tears as she considered the words. And instead of tearing it up or sending it back, she placed it in her pocket.

She now reached into her pocket for the note as the memory left her, and she brushed her hand against it, making sure that it was still there.

"What do you think, Lily?"

Lily's mind jumped back to reality as she noticed both of her friends looking at her intently, waiting for a reply.

"Um, sorry," she stammered a bit anxiously. "I didn't hear what you said."

Alice and Mary both shook their heads; this type of reply from Lily was something that they had grown accustomed to over the past month.

"Lily," Alice began, a hint of concern in her voice. She glanced at Mary who gave her a slight, approving nod. "We're worried about you. All you do is sit alone in our room when you aren't in class."

"And when you are with us," Mary added, "you might as well be back in Muggle land."

Lily inhaled and considered this. Part of her found the comments irritating, but the genuine concern in her friends' faces quickly remedied that.

"I know," Lily replied, her voice hesitant. "I'm just...sort of going through something right now."

"Does it have to do with that Snape kid?" Alice demanded. "Because we really don't believe that school could be making you this depressed." 

Lily opened her mouth to reply but choked on her own words as she suddenly saw Severus through the large front window. He was standing in the middle of the street, looking around expectantly. Lily's heart fell into her stomach.

She took a deep breath and realized that she would have to say something reassuring to appease her friends before she could leave.

"I know I've been a stick in the mud lately," she replied, her voice suddenly animated and her mouth feigning a smile. "I am just really stressed out about the O.W.L.s; that's all. I appreciate the concern though."

She looked out the window again and saw Severus pacing anxiously. She stood suddenly, unable to keep him, or herself, waiting any longer.

"I just remembered that I have to do something," was the best that she could come up with as she began to walk away from the table. She turned and smiled apologetically to her friends. "I will see you tonight, okay?"

They shrugged and dismissed her, turning to each other in quiet conversation. It was probably about Lily, but right now that didn't matter to her.

Lily felt the butterflies grow in her stomach as she maneuvered her way around the crowded tables. Her breaths came hard and shallow; she really had no idea what she would even say to him. She could only hope that her instincts would pull through and give her the right words when they were needed.

She stepped out of the pub, into the sunny, bustling street. Severus was facing away from her, his hands fiddling anxiously behind his back, and she found it hard to speak when she finally tried to get his attention.

"Hi," she said, her voice small and uncertain.

Severus whirled around quickly and a nondescript look of relief spread over his face. His first instinct was to smile but she could tell that he was trying to avoid doing so. His hands seemed to want to reach out to her out of involuntary habit, and he jerked them back in spite of himself.

"Hi," he said back, releasing a deep breath. He ran an uneasy hand through his long black locks. "I didn't know if you were coming."

Lily did not know how to reply. It was already feeling so natural, so familiar. She could take his hand, if she really wanted to, and everything could go back to normal. The temptation was like a shadow hovering over her mind.

"So," Severus continued. "Um, should we take a walk?"

Lily considered this for a moment. Would it be wise to take a walk? Wouldn't it be better to say goodbye now, quickly sever the ties, and go back to the new reality that she had been trying to confront over the past month?

Although her brain reconciled no amicable conclusion, she felt her head nod. Severus nodded back, and he motioned for them to begin walking back toward Hogwarts, away from the crowds.

For about fifteen torturous minutes neither of them spoke. Severus's mannerisms were reminiscent of himself, a year earlier, before he had confessed his romantic feelings to Lily. He looked at the ground and his hands fiddled anxiously as they strode down the street.

A million thoughts raced through Lily's mind as they walked. Was he waiting for her to speak first? She didn't even know where to begin.

Soon they passed a grassy clearing littered with huge willow trees. Severus's eyes looked around thoughtfully and then he abruptly stopped. Lily also stopped and turned to look at him.

"Let's sit," he said.

He looked at her, waiting for confirmation. For lack of a better reaction, Lily nodded. And then, to her surprise, Severus took her hand. Immediately a rush of memories mixed with longing and apprehensiveness rushed through her body, but she didn't pull away. She silently followed his lead to a particularly large tree which seemed to satisfy his intentions.

"Sit down," he said casually, letting go of her hand. Lily did so, and Severus sat across from her. She felt his eyes examining her and she nervously began to pick at the grass.

For a few moments an almost intolerable silence presided as Severus's eyes studied her. Then he finally spoke.

"You've met me here today with the intention of severing ties with me," he said, his voice oddly collected. Lily felt her body stiffen as she reluctantly looked up at him. Much to her amazement, however, he was smiling.

"You feel like you need to say goodbye to me," he continued. "But you aren't going to."

The words hit Lily like a stunning spell. Her eyebrows rose in confusion and her mouth opened to speak, but she hesitated.

Severus was still smiling.

"How do—" she stammered. "You don't know..."

"I _do_ know," he said. His self-assurance struck Lily with a mixture of confusion and irritation.

Lily shook her head almost melodically. "You don't know," she repeated, looking away. "You don't know _anything_ that I am thinking or feeling."

"Yes I do," Severus replied, a little too quickly.

Lily stared at him, nonplussed. He had plead with _her_ to meet him out here. How _dare_ he make light of this situation and pretend that, after Lilly's month of misery, everything was somehow perfectly all right.

"Severus," she began hesitantly. She finally looked up from the grass and granted him the eye contact that he was determinedly seeking. She did not know how to continue, so she began shaking her head once again.

Suddenly Severus's hand was on her own, and he was leaning toward her. "Lily," he said in an excited whisper. "I can read your thoughts."

Lily's eyes grew wide.

"Wh-at?" she stammered.

"I can read your thoughts," he repeated matter-of-factly. "I am a Legilimen."

Lily shot up at a fantastic speed, unable to reconcile this information. Suddenly breathing was difficult.

"_What_?" she repeated, backing away.

Severus stood up as well. "Please don't leave," he said. "I have so much that I need to tell you."

"You've been _reading_ my thoughts?" she demanded. Before he had a chance to reply, Lily turned away, overwhelmed with fear, grief, humiliation, anger and disbelief; she began to run.

"Come back!" Severus yelled, and she heard his rampant footsteps as he ran after her. Unfortunately for Lily her legs were about half the length of her pursuer's, and he caught up to her in a matter of moments. Apparently weary of grabbing her arms, he thrust his arms around her waist from behind and pulled her into him.

Lily kicked, punched and yelled for him to let go, but he refused. After a minute she finally gave up and let her body hang limp in his grasp.

"I will let you go," he said, "after I tell you what I need to tell you." He took Lily's silence as consent. "I was reading your thoughts just now; I don't read them all the time. I _can't_ read them all the time, or I probably would try to. I can only read them when we are alone." He paused and drew a breath. "At first I could only read them when I looked directly into your eyes. That's how it was the night that I accused you of taking my book; that is why I had to get you alone, out of the Great Hall. When you looked into my eyes in the corridor I read your mind, and I saw that you were angry with me for accusing you of taking my book, when you were only trying to help me," he paused again and loosened his grip on Lily, who was still facing away from him.

"That is how I knew that you were afraid of me that night I came into your room, and that is why I left. But today," he said, his voice becoming excited again, "I could read them while we were walking, even though you weren't looking at me. I could hear them while we were just sitting under the tree. Lily," he said, his hands gripping her shoulders as he turned her around to face him. "I know what you are thinking about me right now, and I want you to know that you don't have to be afraid of me."

Lily, still stunned, broke away from his grasp. She did not run, however; it didn't seem like it would accomplish much at this point. Instead she stared at him in amazement and did her best to clear her head, afraid of what he would see and hear.

"I know you looked through my book," he said, taking a cautious step toward her. "And I know that I am the one who drove you to do it. I know what you saw." He seemed to consider this for a moment. "I am not angry. Please do not be afraid of me."

Suddenly the potions book incident seemed like incredibly small potatoes. Lily began to pace the patch of grass beneath her, unable to make sense of her thoughts. Finally she stopped.

"How long—" she began, her voice edgy. "How long have you been doing this?"

"Since Christmas," he replied. "But I always sort of sensed it. Sometimes I would hear tidbits of peoples' thoughts, but not everyone's." He paused and looked at her. "I have always been able to read hear yours the clearest."

"Lucky me," she retorted. "So then what?"

"So I have been reading about Legilimency for a while. I always thought that it required a wand and an incantation, but it turns out that some Legilimens, the talented ones, don't need these things," he paused with hesitation. "So I began to try it out."

"On me?" Lily snapped back.

Severus inhaled and looked down at the grass "Yes," he replied. "That night over the Christmas holidays when I...when I..." he didn't seem to want to finish the sentence, so Lily did him the courtesy of nodding, letting him know that she understood what he meant.

"That night," he continued, "I thought that you _wanted_ to, which is why I persisted. Of course there were so many thoughts going on in your head at the time," he looked at her sheepishly. "I think I just heard the thoughts that _I_ wanted to hear."

Lily's head was spinning. She felt a surreal sense of exposure standing here beside him.

"Okay," she said finally between deep breaths. "So assuming you have been reading my thoughts, you know what I am upset about...what I am afraid of." She glanced at Severus for reassurance and he nodded.

"So then," she continued, "you should know that it doesn't matter to me that you are not angry at my reading your text book. What scares me," she paused. "What scares me is that you wrote up those spells in the first place."

"I know," he replied quickly, and the look of irritation on Lily's face caused him to smirk in spite of himself. "And I understand why it would upset you. But Lily," he continued, bounding towards her with pleading eyes. "You _have _to believe me, it was just me fooling around. I haven't used those spells on anyone."

"Then how do you explain—"

"The 'nearly mastered' and 'needs more work' comments?" he interjected, smiling sheepishly at Lily's evident annoyance. "I haven't been using them on any_one_," he began, "but I _have_ been testing them." He paused before continuing. "I haven't tried Muffliato yet, but I've been testing the others on dead rats with Slughorn in the evenings."

Lily gasped. "With _Slughorn_?"

Severus shrugged. "He says I have a knack for inventing new spells; spells that the Ministry of Magic would pay dearly for the rights to use, especially in their defence department. So he has been giving me space to practice, and he has been mentoring me."

Lily felt a vague surge of relief travel through her mind that she wanted to embrace, but somehow it just all seemed to fit together too easily. What had the volatility of her life for the past month even been about? Somehow there had to be more.

"Well if that is all there is to it," she began, "why were you so upset when you thought I had taken your book? Why did you even accuse me of it in the first place?"

Severus sighed and stepped closer toward her. He took her hand and, even though she flinched involuntarily at first, she did not pull away. "There was no excuse for my behaviour that night," he confessed, his eyes suddenly full or remorse. "I became very distraught at the thought of you going through my book and seeing what you eventually _did _see, knowing that it could lead to this whole ordeal." He paused. "And the reason that I asked so forcibly if you took my book was because Mulciber saw you leave the classroom after everyone had left, and he said that he saw you take it."

Lily opened her mouth to speak, but Severus hushed her with a quick interjection. "Before you become angry," he said, "remember that to Mulciber you are just another Hogwarts student; he doesn't know about you and me. And so when he suggested in the Great Hall that you might have my book, I obviously became distraught in thinking that you had read it."

Severus's hand then moved to her waist, and he pulled her close to him. "I am so sorry about what I did that night," he said. "I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I hurt you." He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her head. "I never want you to feel that way because of me."

In spite of all the protests that her better judgement was screaming at her, somehow all of the defences that she had built up over the past month came tumbling down as she returned Severus's embrace. The moment was incredibly surreal; Severus had seemingly provided logical explanations in response to every doubt that she had about him. In spite of all this, she could still hear a faint voice, which sounded vaguely like Dumbledore's, whispering caution to her. She quickly pushed the thoughts away, however, as Severus tilted her head up to his and kissed her on the lips.

All of the pain and restraint that Lily had suffered over the past month left her, and she extended one arm around Severus's neck and pulled herself upward, deepening the kiss. Lily's thoughts began to race and, to her own satisfaction, reached a single, inarguable conclusion. She pulled away from the kiss and took Severus's hand, leading him back over to the tree where they had been sitting. He followed her curiously, a hungry look in his eyes which Lily reciprocated.

Within moments, Lily was leaning against the tree and they were kissing again, now concealed by the long willow branches. Suddenly the idea that Severus could read her mind excited her, and she let it roam freely into the unexplored depths of her fantasies. As she did this, Severus's hands suddenly took on a life of their own, as if they knew exactly where to go and what to do, mirroring Lily's thoughts.

And then Severus stopped and looked into Lily's gaze. She smiled invitingly.

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

Lily nodded and began kissing him again.

* * *

When it was over, Lily and Severus lay in the grass; his arm around her and her head resting on his stomach, their robes crinkled and grass-stained.

"We should head back to the school soon," Lily whispered serenely, her eyes considering the cloudy landscape.

"Soon," Severus replied, also whispering. "But not yet."

There was a moment of silence.

"So," Lily began, propping herself up so that her chin rested on his chest. "I guess you know what I'm thinking," she smiled apprehensively. "Tell me what you're thinking."

Severus grinned and rested his head down on the grass while his hand stroked Lily's hair.

"I'm thinking that everything is exactly how it should be," he replied thoughtfully. He sat up suddenly, his expression and tone becoming more serious. "We were always meant to be together; I knew that the day I first saw you," he said intently, "and now you really are a part of me." He laced his fingers between hers and continued. "You _belong_ with me, Lily."

Lily drank the words in like wine, once again willing away the quiet voice of caution that had now been recklessly pushed to the outskirts of her mind.


	8. The Revelation

The Revelation

It was a beautiful Sunday morning at Hogwarts. Many students were sleeping in after the previous night's prolonged Quidditch match; Lily would have been one of them, but Mary persisted that they take a walk around the grounds so she could tell her some exciting news while Alice slept. Aware of the less than stellar friend that she had been lately, she smiled to Mary in spite of herself and agreed.

Things with Severus had never been better, and she knew that this translated all too well into a more sociable, vibrant and engaging Lily Evans. Her dorm mates had taken notice and were undoubtedly thankful to have their friend back. In addition, she and Severus had been spending less time together (they both agreed that O.W.L. preparation should be their main priority for the time being), not that it made the time that they did share any less magical for Lily.

She smiled to herself as she and Mary circled the lake where random clusters of students were lounging around and enjoying the spring sunshine. She could tell that her friend was positively ecstatic, and Lily waged a guess as to why this was the case.

"So," Lily began, a conspicuous smirk growing on her face. "What's the big news?"

Mary immediately succumbed to a wave of giggles and clasped her hands over her face.

"Don finally kissed me," she declared, her face beaming.

Lily smiled back at her. "Oh, that's wonderful news," she said and chuckled at Mary's blissful expression. "Congratulations."

Mary continued to giggle. "Oh Lily," she began, "it was positively magical! I can't even describe it! I can't wait until you finally kiss a boy that you like, and you will know how this feels."

Lily blushed and suddenly felt decades older than sixteen. She nodded sardonically and bit her lip, thinking about how her first kiss with Severus already seemed to have taken place a lifetime ago. Lily knew that the intensity of her relationship with Severus was not the norm for their age, as Severus himself seemed to speak and act as if he were from another time all together, and she rebuked herself for secretly feeling like Mary's kiss was completely trivial.

"What's your problem with Potter anyway?"

The words struck Lily and her eyebrows climbed into her forehead.

"Potter?" Lily repeated blankly. "What has he got to do with anything?"

"Well it's obvious that he fancies you," Mary giggled, poking Lily playfully. "He's such a dreamboat. Why don't you just go out with him?"

Lily considered this and opened her mouth to speak but the rumble of a nearby voice cut her off. She turned to see Mulciber, greasy haired and billowy in his Slytherin robe, walking towards them.

Lily turned to Mary, her heart beating faster. "Let's keep walking," she said quickly, grabbing Mary's hand and leading her along.

"What's the matter?" Mary asked, confused. "It's just that stupid Slytherin bloke."

Lily wanted to answer but could not verbalize the intense rush of discomfort that was currently running through her veins. Her heart began to pound as she sensed Mulciber following them. Lily suddenly noticed that they had strayed notably far from the other groups of students that were scattered around the lake. She felt a lump rise in her throat.

"Hey there!" his voice called. Lily felt Mary begin to turn around, so she yanked her hand that much harder to keep her at pace.

"Hey!" Mary snapped at Lily. "That hurt!" She had stopped walking.

"Come _on_," Lily beckoned through clenched teeth. It was too late, however; Mulciber had caught up to them and was beginning to walk around them, sinisterly reminiscent of a vulture circling its prey.

"What do _you_ want?" Lily said, determined to keep her voice calm. She did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his presence made her uneasy.

Mulciber smirked. "The Mudblood has some bite," he retorted.

Lily felt a rage rise inside of her, but she didn't want to drag Mary into anything given the previous incident that had happened to her this year.

"That's fine," Lily said. "We'll be going now."

"Wait a second!" Mary interjected, her eyes flaming. "He can't talk to you like that!"

Lily glared at Mary and tried to clearly mouth 'let's go' to her in silence, but her fellow Gryffindor was not paying attention.

Mulciber was clearly enjoying the situation. His lip curled into a snarling would-be smile.

"Oh yeah?" he asked. "And who's gonna stop me?" He withdrew his wand and pointed it at Mary, moving a lock of hair from her shoulder. "_You_?"

Mary's face was ferocious. "_Yes_ me!" She bounded forward a few steps and turned back. "I'm going to Dumbledore!"

And then it all happened at once. Lily began to speak, telling Mary that it wasn't necessary, and seconds later a flash of light erupted from Mulciber's wand as he yelled out '_Levicorpus_!'

Mary rose into the air, foot first, as if she were being dragged up by the ankle. She screamed, her arms and legs flailing, sheer panic in her eyes. Her robe immediately succumbed to the gravitational pull and fell down over her shoulders, covering her face and arms so that she appeared to be only a body dangling in mid air.

Stricken with fear and fury, Lily turned to Mulciber, expecting him to be rolling on the ground in laughter. But he wasn't laughing; he watched Mary dangle helplessly in the air in complete silence; a disconcerting smile on his face and a terrible glint of satisfaction in his eyes.

"Let her _down_!" Lily screamed, lunging and kicking at Mulciber. He threw her off with a nearly effortless wave of his arm, and she fell to the ground. She immediately got up and began to yell into the air.

"_Help! Help! Somebody help us!_"Lily became frantic, helplessly watching her friend hang in the air while Mulciber smiled sadistically.

After a few minutes, though, he apparently became bored, and irritated by Lily's screams. He muttered a barely audible incantation and Mary fell to the ground. She was sobbing.

Lily rushed over and cradled her, stroking her hair and telling her that everything would be all right. Mulciber spat on the ground as he began to walk away from them, still smiling.

"You'll be next, Mudblood," he said quietly to Lily. He then turned and barrelled off toward the school.

For a few moments Lily did not speak; she held Mary and tried to comfort her.

"Wha-t, w-w-was th-at?" Mary asked between sobs.

Lily said nothing. She had no idea how to tell Mary that she knew too well what the spell was, and that she knew too well who had invented it.

* * *

Lily's blood was boiling as she opened the door to the Room of Requirement, her hands shaking with fury as she imagined Severus sitting on the bed, eagerly awaiting her, completely oblivious to what had happened to her and Mary that day.

And it had happened because of _him_.

Sure enough, as she closed the door behind her she saw Severus greet her with a smile. He began to stand up when Lily interjected.

"Don't," she said in a cold, huffed voice. He blinked in confusion and made his way over to her anyway. She raised her hand to stop him and bounded toward the window.

"Don't touch me right now and _don't_," she continued, her eyes ablaze, "don't _even_ try to read my thoughts."

Clearly taken aback, Severus ran an uneasy hand through his unkempt hair and sat back down on the bed.

"Okay," he mused. "When you want to tell me what the problem is, you can. In the mean time I will sit hear and not read your thoughts. However," he said, his voice teasingly thoughtful, "I might be able to hatch a guess as to what is bothering you; no Legilimency needed."

Lily whipped her head in his direction. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"

Severus smirked and Lily found the reaction nothing short of infuriating.

"Well," he began, "does it have something to do with the incident on the grounds today with your dorm mate?"

Lily's heart sank into her stomach. He _knew_?

"_Excuse me_?" was all that she could muster.

"Mulciber told me that she was going to rat him out to Dumbledore, so he did the 'Levicorpus'," Severus explained, almost too casually. "It was just for a laugh."

Lily's eyes widened with fury and disbelief. She had so much to say but the words wouldn't come. Severus seemed to sense this, and he stood gingerly, casually making his way toward her. Lily took several sharp steps back.

Severus seemed amused with her anger, and Lily could not wrap her head around it. How could he think this was okay?

"If you ask me," Severus began,"she was looking for something like this to happen. It's so _typical_ to threaten running to Dumbledore over something stupid; just like she did last time. Slytherin already lost fifty points this year because she couldn't handle Mulciber's ridiculous nose-growing spell," he smirked to himself. "It was all just for a laugh."

Lily flinched as she felt his arms wrap around her waist from behind. She was too angry and numb to move; she was only vaguely aware that she was even here, in this room, talking to this person who suddenly, and not for the first time, felt like a complete stranger.

"I know she's your dorm mate," Severus chuckled into her hair, apparently unaware of Lily's rigidness. "But really, she could stand to lighten up a bit."

Lily felt every inch of her body grow cold.

"Get your hands off of me," she said, already numb to his touch.

Suddenly aware of the hollowness in her voice, Severus obeyed and backed away. Lily did not look at him.

"Did Mulciber tell you exactly what Mary was going to rat him out for?" Lily asked, her voice like stone.

Severus seemed to consider this. "No," he finally answered.

Lily closed her eyes and took a breath. "Mary was going to Dumbledore to tell him that Mulciber called _me_ Mudblood, not that it is the first time it has happened."

Lily waited for Severus to react. She finally looked at him, and he was staring at her, his eyes wide. He seated himself on the bed once again as she continued.

"And after he finally let her down, he looked at me. He looked straight at _me_ and said 'you'll be next, Mudblood'," she seemed to choke on her own words. "Is this all still a laugh?"

Once again she waited for his reaction. Severus said nothing.

Lily bit her lip.

"You told me," she said, her eyes on the floor, "that you hadn't used these spells on anyone; that you were practising them with Slughorn. So then tell me," she continued, her voice becoming more defiant, "how did _Mulciber_ know about this spell? Let alone know how to _use_ it?"

Severus sighed deeply and scratched his head. He looked at Lily with a mixture of hesitation and regret, and she expected him to tell her that he had lied about it. But he didn't.

"I _haven't_ used the spell on anyone," he insisted. "But I lent my potions book to Mulciber a couple times to help him out." He paused before continuing. "I guess he must have seen the parchment with the spells.".

"You _guess_ he must have seen the spells?" Lily nearly spat. She threw her hands up, searching for an appropriate reaction. "Severus, you fought tooth and nail to hide that book from me all year, and you just _lent_ it to him to _help him out_?"

He nodded with an understanding that nearly drove Lily over the edge.

"Are you even _angry_ that he used the spell? Are you _angry_ at all about what he said to me?"

"Of course I am," he said sheepishly, looking at the floor. And then he looked at her. "But I don't know many times I have to say that he wouldn't do those things if he knew about us—"

"What do you mean _us_?" Lily snapped. "He took one of your spells and used it! He used it to bring pain and humiliation to an innocent girl! Doesn't that _bother_ you at all?"

"Of course it does," he retorted. "He didn't tell me everything that happ—"

"Fine," she cut him off, "then tell me this, does it bother you at _all_ that he called me Mudblood?"

In an unexpected act of defiance, Severus looked back at her. "I don't know," he said, his voice now becoming cold. "Does it bother _you_ that all of your friends call me Snivellus?"

"That's _not_ the same thing and you know it!" Lily growled.

Severus did not reply to this; rather, he sat on the bed and looked at her thoughtfully. It occurred to her that he was probably reading her thoughts, but she didn't care; at this point it seemed like he might be able to make more sense of her own thoughts than she could.

Finally he spoke.

"I see that you are very angry with me right now, and I suppose that you have a right to be." He grimaced. "I also know that you are stressed with the upcoming O.W.L.s; we all are."

Lily could only shake her head. "This has nothing to do with the exams, Sev," she declared. "This is about _you_."

Severus eyed her and it became apparent that he knew what she was thinking. However he did not demonstrate a hint of concern

He inhaled deeply. "I know what you are thinking," he said intently."And so this is what I propose: Our exams are next week, and we both need to focus on doing the best we can on the O.W.L.s right now. Let's take this next week to cool off, write our tests, and then we will have the whole summer to be together and work through all this."

When Lily still did not reply, Severus rose from the bed and approached her. Her body stiffened in anticipation and flinched as he stood in front of her, cupping her face in his hands.

"I love you, and in spite of what you are telling yourself right now, I know that you love me," he said with a strange casualness. "There is just so much added stress here at Hogwarts; the need to keep our relationship a secret, the strain of our house rivalry," he sighed. "I just want to _be_ with you."

Lily swallowed hard and gazed at the floor. She had no reply to offer him.

"Let's just get through this next week," he whispered, taking hold of her hand and kissing it. "And everything will be fine; I promise."

He gave Lily an awkward little hug which she did not return. He then kissed her forehead.

"Good luck with your exams," he whispered. He then released her and slowly made his way out of the room, gently closing the door behind him.

For the first time in months, the quiet voice of caution that Lily had pushed to the very outskirts of her mind returned in the slightest whisper. She closed her eyes and reluctantly invited it back.

There was nothing left to say. She knew what she had to do.


	9. The Vow

The Vow

Lily sensed a stirring next to her, drawing her out of her sudden sleep. She slowly opened her eyes and looked a bit hazily next to her on the bed. She did not see Severus.

It was still dark in the Room of Requirement, save for the two candles burning on the book shelf, making it clear to Lily that she had not been asleep for very long. Lily closed her eyes again, blinking back tears, considering the decision that she had made only a few hours ago. It didn't yet seem palpable nor conceivable to her.

She yawned groggily to herself and tossed over. Thinking that she heard movement, she opened her eyes once again, hoping to see Severus.

What she saw made her scream.

Standing above her, wand in hand, his eyes like two black flames, was Severus. His wand was descending upon her and she heard the beginning of an incantation roll off his lips.

In an incredible singular motion, Lily jumped up from the bed and rolled onto the floor, barely missing the flash of light that emerged from his wand. Consumed with his concentration, Severus had clearly not noticed that Lily had awaken, and her leap from the bed startled him.

For a moment neither of them spoke or moved; they stood on opposite sides of the bed, staring at each other. Severus's wand was still in position.

Lily was too terrified to choke back the panic in her voice, and she shrunk down to the floor. "S-severus," she began, her voice shaking uncontrollably, "wh-what are you...what are you d-doing?"

She suddenly became aware of his breathing; it was being released in gasps, as if it was suddenly a tedious, involuntary task. He kept his wand in position and raised his other hand near his face.

"It's okay, Lily," he said, his voice cool and determined. "I promise everything is going to be all right."

Lily felt the tears roll down her cheeks as she slowly stood up again, eyeing his wand.

"W-what were y-you just going to d-do to me?" she stuttered, the room becoming hazy.

"I wasn't going to hurt you," he said simply.

Lily's chest became painfully tight, and breathing was suddenly a chore. Was this happening?

Finally Severus lowered his wand. He seemed to feign gentleness in his movements as he slowly sat down on the bed.

"Come here," he said softly, motioning to her with his hand. "Come back to bed."

The adrenaline poured through her veins and the compulsion struck her like a knife; she began to run towards the door, her heart in her stomach and her mind somewhere unknown.

"Lily, stop!" she heard him yell, and a moment after he declared "_Incarcerous_!"

Lily felt the heat from the spell penetrate her body, and she immediately fell to the ground, head first; her arms and legs suddenly bound together with ropes.

Lily landed on her stomach, her arms tied behind her back. She thought she tasted blood in the back of her mouth.

She heard Severus bound toward her and she imagined that he was evaluating her every thought. She flinched as his hand touched her back and he turned her over, still on the floor, so that she was facing him.

"I didn't want to have to do that, Lily," he said, almost soothingly, as he scooped her up and carried her back over to the bed. He placed her down gently and sat down next to her, his eyes on the floor, apparently wondering what to do next.

In spite of everything, Lily somehow found the courage to speak; if he was going to kill her, after all, she might as well know why.

"Severus," she murmured, her voice still shaky. "What's going on?"

"Can't let you go," was all that he could muster, his eyes still examining the floor. He began shaking his head melodically.

Lily's insides began to unravel. "What do you mean?" she said, trying to sound collected. "We talked about this last night, you agreed—"

"I didn't agree to _anything_," he said, finally looking at her. Lily opened her mouth to speak until she noticed the book that was sitting on the bed next to them. Although it was an awkward angle and she could not see everything, she saw the bold title that screamed to her from the top of the page.

_Obliviate_.

And then it all made sense.

Lily inhaled deeply. "A memory charm," she whispered, almost to herself as much it was to Severus. "That's why you didn't fight about it last night. You were waiting until I went to sleep so that you could do a memory charm, and I would forget about ending things, and forget about you calling me Mudblood."

The harshness of this reality began to set in, and Lily felt her legs tremble. She tried to control her breathing, but the surreality of the situation made it difficult.

This couldn't be happening.

Severus did not speak as he rose from the bed and began to pace, looking slightly mad with his hands rummaging through his hair and his robe flowing behind him.

"I _had_ to Lily," he said, and for the first time it sounded as though Severus was crying. "I _can't_ let you go...not if I am going to protect you."

"Protect me from _what_?" she pleaded with him, her voice cracking in the middle of a sob. "I don't need you to protect me from anything."

Severus kept shaking his head and pacing. Suddenly his wand assumed the aura of a loaded gun.

"Severus," she said, the words muffled in a cry. "Severus _please_ let me go."

He finally stopped pacing and began to stare at her. She knew what he was doing.

"Don't read my thoughts right now," she said, sounding more like a desperate request than an order. "Tell _me_ what is going on. _Please_."

Severus looked away and nodded abruptly. He approached the bed again and sat down. Lily flinched as he drew out his wand and muttered an inaudible incantation; and then the ropes were gone.

Her first instinct was to run but she knew better; she had never seen him in such an incoherent state before and she shuddered to think what else he would be capable of in a moment of desperation. Instead she sat up and curled into a ball, moving to the other side of the bed. She could still hear his heavy breathing.

"Lily," he began, his voice simultaneously tired and frantic, "there is something that I need to explain to you."

Lily said nothing but nodded earnestly, urging him to continue.

Severus bit his lip and placed a hand over his face as if it were a mask. He then seemed to summon up the courage that he needed, and he looked straight into Lily's eyes.

"The Dark Lord is building up an army. Soon, he will gain power and there is going to be a war, the magnitude of which the wizarding world has not yet known. And when he does," he seemed to choke a bit on the words, "I want to be able to protect you."

Severus could have just as well waved his wand and chanted _Stupefy_ to Lily, as it would have rendered the same reaction from her. She considered this and replied in subtle disbelief.

"How do you know this?"

"Because I've been recruited," he said quickly, as if the words were painful to speak and he felt the need to quickly rip off a bandage.

Lily scowled and shook her head in disbelief. Clearly he had gone mad.

"That's impossible," she said. "Voldemort? There is no way that he's been here at Hogwarts—"

"No, he hasn't," Severus replied. "I was invited to meet him over Christmas at Malfoy's estate."

Fear grappled with realization instantly spread like a tidal wave through Lily's body.

"You," she stammered, her voice shaking uncontrollable. "Y-you met V-voldemort?"

Severus nodded, his manner suddenly causal and matter-of-fact. "He heard about my talents through Mulciber's father, and he extended an invitation for me to meet him."

Lily was nonplussed. "Your talents?" she mumbled to herself. Then she looked at him. "So those spells that you were inventing—"

"I _was_ practising them with Slughorn, and he does wish for me to sell them to the Ministry...but that is not why I developed them."

Lily just stared.

Suddenly Severus's tone became earnest. "I know what you're thinking, but you need to understand. Amazing things will happen, Lily. The Dark Lord has studied areas of magic that few wizards dare to dream of." His lips suddenly curled into a proud smile. "When I met him, he told me how impressed he was with me; with my capacity for potions and spell writing. He is also the one who encouraged me to develop my Legilimency. He says that he can use me to do great things for him when I finish school and am finally made a Death Eater."

This information seemed to drain all life from Lily's body. She could only look back at him, silently beckoning him to continue. She didn't even flinch when Severus took her hand and kissed it.

"Lily," he began, his voice eerily excited. "Everything will be perfect. I will finally be able to reach my full potential and explore all the magic that I have ever wanted to. And when the war happens, we will be together, and I will protect you."

Lily's need to logically argue this point seemed oddly out of context.

"Protect me?" she muttered, her voice harsh. "Do I not represent the very thing that Voldemort _hates_ so much?"

Severus chuckled to himself in a most haunting way. "I know what you're thinking," he replied, "and the Dark Lord says that he cannot whole-heartedly approve of our love."

Lily's heart sank into the depths of her stomach.

"He _knows_ about me?"

"Of course," Severus replied coolly. "But you have to understand, Lily, he will let me protect you. He protects those who are loyal to him. He knows what it's like to grow up alone, without a real family, and he understands how important you are to me. He will let me keep you."

The words struck Lily with incredible disconcert. "_Keep_ me?"

"He told me so much," Severus continued, unaware of Lily's reaction. "Did you know that he is actually a _half-blood_? Just like me! He knows what it's like to be under appreciated for your talents and to want to explore this entirely other realm of magic that old stiffs like Dumbledore try to hide from us. Lily," he continued, grasping her hand, "you can come with me. We'll finish up at school, as the Dark Lord thinks that education is crucial in the characterization of new recruits, and then I'll join him. We will live somewhere quiet, away from the battles, and when the war is over we will live the life together that we were always meant to."

Severus's eyes grew wide and confused as Lily began to cry again. Suddenly Dumbledore's warning to her, from what seemed like an eternity ago, rang true and devastating.

The selfish love. The confused, angry, downcast young man. The responsibility that she would bear to compensate for all the love that he had never known before her.

Lily looked at Severus and, for the first time, she truly saw him. Gone was the romantic, intoxicating aura that he had worn around her for so long. She finally saw him as the desperately lonely, jaded and vulnerable person that he was, who had clung to the first bit of love that had ever been given to him.

Perhaps it was pure coincidence that it happened to be _her_ love. Perhaps it wasn't fate at all, as Severus has always so adamantly believed.

Lily suddenly understood that she _was_ his possession, as far as he was concerned. He had clung to her all these years like the lost and neglected little boy that he was. And just as Dumbledore had predicted, here he was, desperately trying not to let go, wanting to take her into his future and keep her all to himself.

Lily took a deep breath. "Severus," she began, her voice cautious and thoughtful. "Severus, think about what you're saying."

"This is _all_ that I have been thinking about for the past few months!" He replied, his voice hauntingly close to ecstatic.

Lily inhaled again, and she considered his dark eyes; eyes that were somehow mortally wounded behind their current guise of enthralment.

"Severus," she began, "I _do_ love you, and I _do_ want to have you in my life, but it can't be like this."

He seemed genuinely confused. "Like what?"

"Don't you understand that your obsession with the Dark Arts is the one thing that has driven us apart this past year?" she shook her head with frustration. "We _can_ be together, but if this is the path that you are choosing, I can't follow you. I _won't_."

"Lily," he insisted, "I know you are afraid, but you don't have to be. The Dark Lord respects me, he knows how my life has been, he knows how much I have to offer—"

"He's _manipulating_ you," Lily said definitively. "Severus, listen to _me_," she moved beside him and cupped his face in her hands. "You once said that you loved me more than anything, and I am the only thing in this life that matters to you. Then _listen_ to me. The Dark Lord does not care about you; he doesn't _care_ about anyone but himself."

Severus shook his head vaguely and Lily wrenched his face back so that their eyes bore into each others'.

"Please listen to me," she continued, her voice pleading. "You and I can be together; we can have that life, we can make each other happy. But not if you're a Death Eater." She took a deep breath before uttering the definitive words. "If I am really all that you need, then you need to give this up for me."

Severus did not reply. Still determined, Lily stood up and grabbed Severus's hand.

"Come on," she said. "I know what to do."

"What?" Severus said, his voice sheepish and uneasy.

"We are going to Dumbledore."

Suddenly Severus wrenched his hand back and jumped off the bed, away from Lily.

"Why would I want to go to Dumbledore?"

"Because he can help us," Lily insisted.

"Dumbledore has nothing to do with this," Severus replied, his voice suddenly harsh and cold. "This is about you and me."

"I've already told you," she retorted, "I am not going to stay with you if you become a Death Eater."

"Why _not_?" he exclaimed, his voice suddenly close to ferocious. "Lily, we will _be_ together, that will be enough! And I can do all the great things that I've always wanted to do," he paused and inhaled deeply. "Don't make me choose."

The magnitude of what she had just learned sunk heavily into her stomach. "Severus," she began, her eyes closed, "it's clear that you've already made your choice."

The words stung Lily as much as they stung Severus. She looked at him with tears in her eyes, but Severus still did not cry. As much as she wanted to go to him, plead with him, touch him, she knew that she couldn't. There was nothing more that she could do.

Finally he spoke. "I will always love you, Lily."

Lily felt an involuntary impulse to reciprocate the sentiment, but somehow she couldn't. As she turned and walked out of the room, away from Severus, she became painfully aware that she wasn't so sure that she knew what love was anymore.

* * *

After about half a minute of silence, Lily looked up from the floor. She was vaguely aware that, somewhere, a clock was ticking. She swallowed hard and looked into the eyes that were examining her carefully.

Dumbledore's eyes.

She had told him everything. Much to her fear, reluctance and embarrassment with the events that had encompassed her life over the past year, she had divulged everything to the Hogwarts Headmaster, who was now thoughtfully stroking his beard as he sat behind his desk, seemingly considering all the details of Lily's story.

Lily inhaled deeply. "I'm so sorry, Headmaster," she said in a tone hardly above a whisper. "I should have listened to you."

Dumbledore replied to this with a surprising smile.

"Why is that, Ms. Evans?"

Lily looked at him, her eyebrows raised. "Because," she began, and then considered the question. "Because things might have turned out differently. If I had talked to Severus about all this stuff sooner, I might have been able to help him."

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully as Lily looked at him, seeking affirmation. He stood up and gingerly made his way around the room, observing the magical oddities that littered his office.

"Tell me, Ms. Evans, is that why you are here? Because you think that I will now be able to save your friend?"

Lily turned in her seat and looked at him with slight astonishment. "Of _course_ that's why I'm here!" she exclaimed, tears welling in her eyes. "It can't be too late for him."

Dumbledore sighed softly and turned to look at Lily.

"My dear," he began, "I am sorry to disappoint you, but there is nothing that _I_ can do."

Lily jumped up involuntarily. "Sir," she began, her eyes pleading with him, "I know that I neglected your advice, and that is my fault; but don't make Severus pay for the mistake that I made. There _has_ to be something that you can do! He is going to make the biggest mistake of his life; you have to stop him!"

Dumbledore considered Lily for a moment, and then slowly returned to his desk.

"Please sit down," he said as he also sat. Lily obeyed, tears streaming down her face.

"I'm afraid that you are very confused about a lot of things right now," he said, his voice gentle and full of empathy. "The warnings that I gave to you earlier this year, they were for _you_, not for Mr. Snape. Please do not think that I was holding you accountable to ensure that Severus did not take the path that it seems he has, in fact, chosen. Now," he continued, leaning back in his chair, "perhaps it did take a little longer than I had hoped for you to heed my words, but you must understand that you have not failed in the slightest. Yesterday you were given the opportunity to follow Severus down a dark path, and you chose not to."

"Of course I didn't," Lily said automatically, and Dumbledore smiled gently.

"I knew of Mr. Snape's attachment to you, and so I knew that the time would come, after he had made his choice, that he would ask you to do the same. And as it turns out," he leaned in closer, "you have chosen impeccably, Ms. Evans. Not only did you make the right choice for yourself, but you also came here, in spite of everything that you may be embarrassed about and afraid of, in an attempt to help your friend. You have not failed in the slightest; perhaps you took a difficult route, one that will leave you with emotional scars for some time to come, but that route still led you here."

Lily nodded in spite of herself.

"I am afraid, however," Dumbledore continued, "that we will have to leave your friend to make his own choices."

Dumbledore began to stroke his beard again as Lily sat in silence.

"What is it, Ms. Evans?"

She looked at him with bitter determination in her eyes. "Voldemort took my best friend away from me," she began. "I _hate_ him for that. I know, now, the path that _I_ need to follow."

Dumbledore eyed her thoughtfully. "And what path is that, Ms. Evans?"

"I am going to do everything that I can to make sure that, when the time comes, he will be defeated."

Lily suddenly rose from her chair and held out her hand to Dumbledore from across the desk. "I want to make an unbreakable vow to you, right now; I want to vow that I will fight until my death to protect other people; Muggles and wizards alike, from Voldemort's grasp," she paused and inhaled deeply. "Especially the vulnerable, confused ones, like Severus, who Voldemort can easily prey on."

Dumbledore considered Lily for a moment, and then also stood up. He took her hand in his, and smiled knowingly.

"I will take your vow, but there is no wand or incantation required."

Lily questioned him with her eyes.

"My dear," he replied, releasing her hand, "I have an inkling that you couldn't break this vow if you tried."

Lily felt herself beam just a little and, sensing that she had told him everything that she needed to, she turned to leave the office.

"Oh, one more thing, Ms. Evans," Dumbledore called after her. She turned back to him, the door open in front of her.

He smiled. "In spite of everything, I hope you will be able to find some peace for yourself in remembering that it can _never_ truly be too late for anyone."


End file.
